I posted this a while back and felt it was time to bring it up again, with some answers... they may be partial, but answers anyhow....
I was talking with a friend at work the other day, and I mentioned that I am very disappointed in the way my life is going right now. He said to me that he came up with something while he was incarcerated that helped him to get his life back on track. Not that being incarcerated didn't help, but this was something he did for himself, not a state issued recovery. He also told me that while he was locked up, he asked his friends to do this exercise and to send it to him while he was in prison so he could see how they viewed themselves. He stated that many of his friends told him that this helped them to put their life into perspective.
Basically it's a life review with a critique and goals. Here are the set of questions:
Who am I?
Is this the person I want to be?
What kind of person do I want to be?
What do I need to be that kind of person?
I think I might try this and see what happens. If anything I will at least be able to put down on paper some of my thoughts and it just might help... who knows.
Well, now for the answers to part 1:
Who am I?
I am a person that has learned that she is a doormat. I have known this for quite sometime, but for whatever reason, i can't seem to get out of this vicious circle. When i think that i am making headway to not be taken advantage of, something comes crashing down that brings it full circle yet again, and i let people wipe their feet all over me. This is pretty much anyone... my co-workers, my family, but most of all my friends. I will do ANYTHING for my friends, as i have so few of them, i completely cherish those friendships. I don't have many friends, but the ones i do have are so close to my heart, i am lucky to have them in my life and i would hope that they feel the same. But those seem to be the ones that hurt more than anything. We all have to "lay down" occasionally for our family, that's a given, but friendship is completely different. You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.
I am also a person that wants and needs love. I have SO much love to give to people, and when i do, look out, i give you everything, my heart, my soul and everything that goes along with it. I have two beautiful daughters, and although sometimes they drive me crazy or disappoint me, i love them more than anything. I am also talking about love in a friendship and love in a relationship. I can truly say that i LOVE my friends and as previously stated, would do anything for them. I have not been all that successful in relationships, having had a whole 2, yes, 2 in my life. My first one ended after 19 years... my second one, well, that one has hurt me more than my first one, i think because i thought i would have learned something from the failed first relationship, but it appears that what i did learn either wasn't what i needed to learn or wasn't applicable in this particular relationship. I will say that i have grown and gotten stronger through the second relationship than i did in the first one (see previous post called "hope".) I am still learning from both of them though.
I am a person that has sacrificed her happiness for the happiness of others. I learned that in 16 years of marriage. I gave up so much of "me" i forgot who i was. I practically ruined my relationship with my children by making a decision to move to Texas and leave them with their father after the divorce, but you know what? that is what was BEST for them. Moving to Texas with mom wasn't. I still find myself bypassing my happiness for that of others, but that is slowly coming around.
I am a person that wants and typically is relatively successful in her career, if that's what you want to call it. I still don't know what i want to be when i grow up, but i do know it sure as hell isn't what i am doing now. I can tell you though, i am good at what i do, and that's good for me, but i need to be challenged and feel growth in my job, and i don't see that here at my current place of employment.
I am a person that has an insane amount of self-esteem issues. Man, those suck, by the way. 'nuff said on that subject.
I want flowers and romance and happiness and love and peace and all that stuff. I want to take care of the person i end up with, and in turn, i want him to take care of me. I'm not talking just physically, i'm talking emotionally and spiritually. I want to be with someone that i can learn things from and in turn can learn from me. I want to be with someone that will ask me how my day is and actually want to hear the answer. I want to dote on this person, show them how much i love them. I want to be genuinely interested in what he has to say, i want to read books together, i want to hold hands while watching TV, i want to feel comfortable in all states of my being with this person. I want to lay naked all day in bed with him and let him touch me and me touch him and know that we are in love with each other and he doesn't mind my stretch marks or my cottage cheese thighs. i want to discover new things with him... music, movies, books, things to do, places to go... on the flip side, i want both of us to be comfortable enough to sit at home in the peace and quite and enjoy the silence too...
I'm sure there is so much more that i am leaving out, like i said this is a partial answer... so, i will chew on this one for a while and see what else comes up...
No comments:
Post a Comment