To all of my friends, old and new... wishing you a very happy new year...
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
let's reflect, shall we?
**copied from my myspace blog**
well, it's yet another sleepless night and i can't turn my brain off... it's funny when your mind just keeps running what it comes up with...
i started the year optimistic with high hopes for 2007... well, so much for that...
january started off with getting back together with greg and realizing that i wanted to be with him and that "love will conquer all." along comes february which brought the engagement and moving into "our house." things were looking up... until about 6 weeks after that... which was when i knew that i had made a mistake and that love wouldn't conquer all. things kept getting worse and worse between greg and i and i didn't see it stopping any time soon. i kept hanging in there thinking "it's going to get better... just as soon as this happens or that happens, it will get better."
well, this never happened and that never happened, and i kept sinking lower and lower into this realization that i was in yet another failed relationship. i felt i kept trying and trying to make it work, but it takes two to make it a success and two to make a relationship a failure. so, come mid-june, i called it off... broke the engagement and ended the relationship. but those of you that know me, know that it's just not that easy. just because the relationship is over, it still to this day, isn't over. after the break-up, it still took over a month for him to leave the house, and i am still sitting here with a lot of his stuff in the house, waiting for him to come get it. i guess i won't truly have closure until all of his stuff is out of here and what is left is mine. It's funny, my ex-husband gave me an "early Christmas gift" a few weeks ago, he gave me the old furniture that we had bought when we were married... it's nice to have something in the house that is mine, even if it was mine from a long time ago, it's mine again, and that puts a whole different spin on things.
my daughter and grandson have been with me now since the end of may, and that has been wonderful and challenging all at the same time. katie is going thru a time of change in her life as well, and it's funny, as she and i are SO much alike, that sometimes those personalities clash and it can get ugly, but i wouldn't trade it for the world. it appears that things are looking up for her, so hopefully 2008 will put her on the right track to changing some things in her life. then there is Marquis... who, is grandma's pride and joy!! i have gotten to see him start crawling, to now walking and changing everyday. this little boy brings me so much joy, and i look at him and realize that yes, it's been a shitty year, but here is this beautiful baby and my gorgeous girls, and i realize that is all that matters.
i turned 40 this year, and i tell ya, it's pretty much sucked since it happened. i had made this grand decision to start my 40th year off with a new outlook and it was time to make some changes. I was going to start doing something for myself, i was going to start working on this weight issue, and my self-esteem. I started my exercise routine on my birthday, and things were going pretty well... i totally enjoyed it, got 30 minutes to myself 3 days a week and was starting to feel pretty good... then BAM... my back goes to hell. i have been in and out of the hospital, er or doctor's office at minimum once a week since October 5. I am now 8 days post op from my surgery and praying that it took care of the issue.
work - well, work... the lady that has been married to her job since she got divorced 6 years ago realized in the past 2 months that no matter how dedicated, committed or passionate you are about your job, it can be taken away from you in a heartbeat. i have seen the writing on the wall since about july, and spoke frankly and frequently to my boss about how i needed more work to do, and how i wasn't currently challenged. what did all of that get me? demoted. yep... and if it wasn't for the group of people that i work with everyday, i would have probably had a meltdown by now, but i haven't. i'm not going to say that i haven't cried a lot of tears or that i haven't been pissed off because that would be a lie. now, at the same time that this demotion happens, i'm going through all of this drama with my back and the surgery and all that, so it's difficult, at best. there is something to be said about finding out who your real friends are, and discovering friends that you didn't know you had during times like this. again, if it wasn't for the people that i work with, in my new department, my team and my counterpart kathy, i don't think i could have made it.
it's funny, you get demoted and it's like you have the plague. people don't talk to you anymore, you are kind of on your own. hello, i got demoted, you can't catch it!!
i also have one of my oldest friends that is going through some major shit in his life as well, and i want to be there for him and help him through it and be supportive, but at the same time, i can't fix it for him, only he can do that. that's always been my problem, i want to fix it for everyone, and i can't. i can't fix what is wrong in my life, so i try to fix what is wrong in other people's lives. i can't fix this for him, but i can be there if he needs someone to talk to.
through all of what 2007 has brought, it has brought me closer to my family, which is something that i have been kind of standoffish about over the past few years. i hate seeing the disappointment on my mom's face when i make a bad decision, but this emotional roller coaster i have been on the past few months has brought me closer to my mom, which is a good thing. i see everything that mom has gone through in the past few months as well, and again, i can't fix it for her, but i can try to be there for her as well. her dog, sophie, had a heart attack earlier this week... if anything happens to sophie, it would kill my mom. sophie has been a source of joy for my mom since my dad passed away, and i would hate to see anything happen to sophie, as it would just devastate my mom.
so, to all my friends and family, thank you... i love you all. thank you for being my friend and dealing with all of my "lucyisms" and the way i am.
i'm ready for some changes, that can only be implemented by me and for me. i'm ready for closure and for the next chapter of this crazy book of life to begin. i'm ready to make the next 9 months of my 40th year better. i'm ready to be the optimist vs. the pessimist. i'm ready to find me, regardless of what that brings, and to make me a better person.
let's see what tomorrow brings.
well, it's yet another sleepless night and i can't turn my brain off... it's funny when your mind just keeps running what it comes up with...
i started the year optimistic with high hopes for 2007... well, so much for that...
january started off with getting back together with greg and realizing that i wanted to be with him and that "love will conquer all." along comes february which brought the engagement and moving into "our house." things were looking up... until about 6 weeks after that... which was when i knew that i had made a mistake and that love wouldn't conquer all. things kept getting worse and worse between greg and i and i didn't see it stopping any time soon. i kept hanging in there thinking "it's going to get better... just as soon as this happens or that happens, it will get better."
well, this never happened and that never happened, and i kept sinking lower and lower into this realization that i was in yet another failed relationship. i felt i kept trying and trying to make it work, but it takes two to make it a success and two to make a relationship a failure. so, come mid-june, i called it off... broke the engagement and ended the relationship. but those of you that know me, know that it's just not that easy. just because the relationship is over, it still to this day, isn't over. after the break-up, it still took over a month for him to leave the house, and i am still sitting here with a lot of his stuff in the house, waiting for him to come get it. i guess i won't truly have closure until all of his stuff is out of here and what is left is mine. It's funny, my ex-husband gave me an "early Christmas gift" a few weeks ago, he gave me the old furniture that we had bought when we were married... it's nice to have something in the house that is mine, even if it was mine from a long time ago, it's mine again, and that puts a whole different spin on things.
my daughter and grandson have been with me now since the end of may, and that has been wonderful and challenging all at the same time. katie is going thru a time of change in her life as well, and it's funny, as she and i are SO much alike, that sometimes those personalities clash and it can get ugly, but i wouldn't trade it for the world. it appears that things are looking up for her, so hopefully 2008 will put her on the right track to changing some things in her life. then there is Marquis... who, is grandma's pride and joy!! i have gotten to see him start crawling, to now walking and changing everyday. this little boy brings me so much joy, and i look at him and realize that yes, it's been a shitty year, but here is this beautiful baby and my gorgeous girls, and i realize that is all that matters.
i turned 40 this year, and i tell ya, it's pretty much sucked since it happened. i had made this grand decision to start my 40th year off with a new outlook and it was time to make some changes. I was going to start doing something for myself, i was going to start working on this weight issue, and my self-esteem. I started my exercise routine on my birthday, and things were going pretty well... i totally enjoyed it, got 30 minutes to myself 3 days a week and was starting to feel pretty good... then BAM... my back goes to hell. i have been in and out of the hospital, er or doctor's office at minimum once a week since October 5. I am now 8 days post op from my surgery and praying that it took care of the issue.
work - well, work... the lady that has been married to her job since she got divorced 6 years ago realized in the past 2 months that no matter how dedicated, committed or passionate you are about your job, it can be taken away from you in a heartbeat. i have seen the writing on the wall since about july, and spoke frankly and frequently to my boss about how i needed more work to do, and how i wasn't currently challenged. what did all of that get me? demoted. yep... and if it wasn't for the group of people that i work with everyday, i would have probably had a meltdown by now, but i haven't. i'm not going to say that i haven't cried a lot of tears or that i haven't been pissed off because that would be a lie. now, at the same time that this demotion happens, i'm going through all of this drama with my back and the surgery and all that, so it's difficult, at best. there is something to be said about finding out who your real friends are, and discovering friends that you didn't know you had during times like this. again, if it wasn't for the people that i work with, in my new department, my team and my counterpart kathy, i don't think i could have made it.
it's funny, you get demoted and it's like you have the plague. people don't talk to you anymore, you are kind of on your own. hello, i got demoted, you can't catch it!!
i also have one of my oldest friends that is going through some major shit in his life as well, and i want to be there for him and help him through it and be supportive, but at the same time, i can't fix it for him, only he can do that. that's always been my problem, i want to fix it for everyone, and i can't. i can't fix what is wrong in my life, so i try to fix what is wrong in other people's lives. i can't fix this for him, but i can be there if he needs someone to talk to.
through all of what 2007 has brought, it has brought me closer to my family, which is something that i have been kind of standoffish about over the past few years. i hate seeing the disappointment on my mom's face when i make a bad decision, but this emotional roller coaster i have been on the past few months has brought me closer to my mom, which is a good thing. i see everything that mom has gone through in the past few months as well, and again, i can't fix it for her, but i can try to be there for her as well. her dog, sophie, had a heart attack earlier this week... if anything happens to sophie, it would kill my mom. sophie has been a source of joy for my mom since my dad passed away, and i would hate to see anything happen to sophie, as it would just devastate my mom.
so, to all my friends and family, thank you... i love you all. thank you for being my friend and dealing with all of my "lucyisms" and the way i am.
i'm ready for some changes, that can only be implemented by me and for me. i'm ready for closure and for the next chapter of this crazy book of life to begin. i'm ready to make the next 9 months of my 40th year better. i'm ready to be the optimist vs. the pessimist. i'm ready to find me, regardless of what that brings, and to make me a better person.
let's see what tomorrow brings.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
will it ever end?
so - my last post, i just read it... October 17 was when i posted it... well, i said i don't think it can get any worse... well, it did... October 18, i got demoted. Not due to performance, due to lack of work... so, that makes it this much more tolerable, but just all around shitty...
then, i find out that i get to have back surgery... WOO HOO... i just hope that it helps and the pain goes away... living life with constant pain has not been fun, as this has been every day since around Sept 1.
let's recap, shall we? Since turing 40 on September 12 the following has happened:
- almost get evicted
- stressed due to money ( i think that will be with me forever)
- daughter still not working
- hospitalized
- miss 2.5 weeks of work
- get demoted
- mom comes to stay for 10 days while she has drama at home
- find out i'm having surgery
sucks, i say, sucks... BUT... today is my grandbaby's 1st. birthday... this pic is actually about a month old.. but he's my gorgeous guy and makes all that crap listed up there MUCH better!!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
40 and fabulous - not quite...
well... it's been quite a month, i tell ya....
nothing but drama at work... drama at home....
i have been in the hospital, due to a herniated disc in my lower back, so i have been off work for almost two weeks now... during this time, i get a bit behind (16 days) in the rent, so my landlord wants to evict me... katie still not working... it's just been one thing after another after another... one of my best friends in the whole world is going through a divorce, and he is a very upset and depressed, so trying to be there for him as well... which i REALLY think has been helping, if i must say so
so, things are GOING to get better... they have to
nothing but drama at work... drama at home....
i have been in the hospital, due to a herniated disc in my lower back, so i have been off work for almost two weeks now... during this time, i get a bit behind (16 days) in the rent, so my landlord wants to evict me... katie still not working... it's just been one thing after another after another... one of my best friends in the whole world is going through a divorce, and he is a very upset and depressed, so trying to be there for him as well... which i REALLY think has been helping, if i must say so
so, things are GOING to get better... they have to
Monday, September 17, 2007
my 40th. year
yes, i just turned 40... ugh...
well, i'm divorced, overweight, grey and a grandma... who woulda thunk it? not me...
i guess you do a lot of reflecting when you hit a "milestone" age like 40... at least i have... and because of that, i am **FINALLY** starting to do some stuff for me... because i want to, not because someone is telling me to...
so, i have started an exercise program, because i have gained 60 pounds in a year.... no fun there... plus that gives me some time for myself...
i have decided that i'm much happier single, for now anyway... it was very upsetting and terribly depressing to end the engagement, but i believe it's for the best. i have been thinking a lot lately about my ex's... all 3 of them. the ex-hubby - well, he's that, the ex-hubby... we get along pretty well, but we have our moments... ben... well, i know he got married and has a baby... but other than that, that's all i know... i hope it works for the both of them.... then there is greg... the one that i thought for sure i could make work... but i couldn't...
i was in texas recently on a business trip and someone said something to me about being "married to my job" and i realized that is exactly what i am... it's my real relationship... and you know what? i'm damned happy about it too, because i know i'm good at it, unlike a normal marriage...
anyway... here's to my 40th. year.... cheers
well, i'm divorced, overweight, grey and a grandma... who woulda thunk it? not me...
i guess you do a lot of reflecting when you hit a "milestone" age like 40... at least i have... and because of that, i am **FINALLY** starting to do some stuff for me... because i want to, not because someone is telling me to...
so, i have started an exercise program, because i have gained 60 pounds in a year.... no fun there... plus that gives me some time for myself...
i have decided that i'm much happier single, for now anyway... it was very upsetting and terribly depressing to end the engagement, but i believe it's for the best. i have been thinking a lot lately about my ex's... all 3 of them. the ex-hubby - well, he's that, the ex-hubby... we get along pretty well, but we have our moments... ben... well, i know he got married and has a baby... but other than that, that's all i know... i hope it works for the both of them.... then there is greg... the one that i thought for sure i could make work... but i couldn't...
i was in texas recently on a business trip and someone said something to me about being "married to my job" and i realized that is exactly what i am... it's my real relationship... and you know what? i'm damned happy about it too, because i know i'm good at it, unlike a normal marriage...
anyway... here's to my 40th. year.... cheers
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
it's that time again, kids...
time to write...
well, it's been an interesting few weeks... my personal life, what there is of it, sucks... work, well, is work... and right now, i'm bored to tears...
i'm in this strange state of limbo... we aren't together, but we talk everyday... i don't want to be with anyone right now... not him, not anyone else... i just want time for me... and i can't seem to have that either. with katie and the baby being here, no free time for grandma... but that's a different kind of time... it all reminds of this incredible book i read for work called "the one minute manager meets the monkey" and how as a leader, we tend to take "monkeys" from everyone, leaving no time for us to be a leader. well, i got me a shit load of monkey right now... and not just work monkeys...
i am excited though, i get to go to san antonio next week!! WOO HOO!!! i'm going for business, and it's going to be a long and busy week.... but i won't be here... maybe some of that "me" time i need will happen in texas...
my best friend is getting married... i'm happy for him.... one of my good friends from texas is having a baby.... and i sit here and think that i would have been married by this time... we would have celebrated our 1 month anniversary already...
i know i am all over the place with what i am writing, but i guess this is better than sitting in bed, tossing and turning and trying to get to sleep when your brain won't turn off...
so, i apologize for the randomness... maybe one day i will actually put words down in a logical order... nah, why do that??? :-)
well, it's been an interesting few weeks... my personal life, what there is of it, sucks... work, well, is work... and right now, i'm bored to tears...
i'm in this strange state of limbo... we aren't together, but we talk everyday... i don't want to be with anyone right now... not him, not anyone else... i just want time for me... and i can't seem to have that either. with katie and the baby being here, no free time for grandma... but that's a different kind of time... it all reminds of this incredible book i read for work called "the one minute manager meets the monkey" and how as a leader, we tend to take "monkeys" from everyone, leaving no time for us to be a leader. well, i got me a shit load of monkey right now... and not just work monkeys...
i am excited though, i get to go to san antonio next week!! WOO HOO!!! i'm going for business, and it's going to be a long and busy week.... but i won't be here... maybe some of that "me" time i need will happen in texas...
my best friend is getting married... i'm happy for him.... one of my good friends from texas is having a baby.... and i sit here and think that i would have been married by this time... we would have celebrated our 1 month anniversary already...
i know i am all over the place with what i am writing, but i guess this is better than sitting in bed, tossing and turning and trying to get to sleep when your brain won't turn off...
so, i apologize for the randomness... maybe one day i will actually put words down in a logical order... nah, why do that??? :-)
Friday, June 01, 2007
uhhh... so...
i should write something...what? i'm not sure...
we broke up last night... it was my decision, and i'm happy with it... incredibly, actually. i was going to marry this man, so you may ask yourself "self, what went wrong?"
good question - so many things, actually... he gets mad because i bring up previous instances that have happened. what else do i have to compare things to? he says i don't talk enough... well, yes, i have my moments, but i talked to him more in a year and a half than i did my ex-husband in 16 years. that my friends is growth...
we are so different, he and i. we differ on work, we differ on hobbies, we differ on the kids. i don't know. he says that i'm running away. no, i'm not, not this time. he says that we should work together to work it out. that's all i have been trying to do. empty promises of "it will get better" and "i'm sorry, i made a mistake, it won't happen again, i promise" have led me to this decision. if i was running away i wouldn't have been here this long. i said a long time ago that if i got married again, it would be the last time, so i am glad that this is over before we got married.
there is love there, buried deep down inside of me, but unfortunately, it's buried so deep that it is locked away in the vault for me to be able to look back on and remember the good times with happiness and joy versus the sadness and sorrow i feel right now
i will always love you
we broke up last night... it was my decision, and i'm happy with it... incredibly, actually. i was going to marry this man, so you may ask yourself "self, what went wrong?"
good question - so many things, actually... he gets mad because i bring up previous instances that have happened. what else do i have to compare things to? he says i don't talk enough... well, yes, i have my moments, but i talked to him more in a year and a half than i did my ex-husband in 16 years. that my friends is growth...
we are so different, he and i. we differ on work, we differ on hobbies, we differ on the kids. i don't know. he says that i'm running away. no, i'm not, not this time. he says that we should work together to work it out. that's all i have been trying to do. empty promises of "it will get better" and "i'm sorry, i made a mistake, it won't happen again, i promise" have led me to this decision. if i was running away i wouldn't have been here this long. i said a long time ago that if i got married again, it would be the last time, so i am glad that this is over before we got married.
there is love there, buried deep down inside of me, but unfortunately, it's buried so deep that it is locked away in the vault for me to be able to look back on and remember the good times with happiness and joy versus the sadness and sorrow i feel right now
i will always love you
Sunday, April 01, 2007
it's about that time again...
well, it's 3:20 in the morning and i can't sleep. sarah is in there sawing logs, greg is on the couch, sleeping away, and here i sit wide awake. great. this past week has been a bear... i'm grouchy, greg's grouchy, makes for not much fun, i tell ya.
it's so hard to let go of old habits and thoughts. some things have happened this week that make me completely revert to "is that comment about me? did he/she mean me when they said that? why did i get that look, what did i do wrong?" and i tell you, i absolutely HATE that about me... among other things, but that is one thing that i just can't stand about me...
so, while i'm trying to go to sleep, albeit unsuccessfully, tonite, i end up on the disney channel watching "boy meets world" and it's one where corey and topanga are in college and are married. they have their first fight ever, and what do i do? start crying... it's a friggin' sitcom on the damned disney channel, and i start crying.... i guess because part of their first fight ever hit home to me, and boy, did that suck... but i will say, that the advice that corey's friend shawn gave him was dead on... basically he said this:
she left, crying - go home, hope that she is still there and if she is shut and lock the door and neither one of you leave till you work it out
it was great advice... hopefully one of these days i will learn to be a bit more self-confident and not let things get to me... awww, who am i kidding, i'm almost 40 years old, maybe i will get self-confidence for my birthday....
gonna try to sleep now.... g'nite pholks...
it's so hard to let go of old habits and thoughts. some things have happened this week that make me completely revert to "is that comment about me? did he/she mean me when they said that? why did i get that look, what did i do wrong?" and i tell you, i absolutely HATE that about me... among other things, but that is one thing that i just can't stand about me...
so, while i'm trying to go to sleep, albeit unsuccessfully, tonite, i end up on the disney channel watching "boy meets world" and it's one where corey and topanga are in college and are married. they have their first fight ever, and what do i do? start crying... it's a friggin' sitcom on the damned disney channel, and i start crying.... i guess because part of their first fight ever hit home to me, and boy, did that suck... but i will say, that the advice that corey's friend shawn gave him was dead on... basically he said this:
she left, crying - go home, hope that she is still there and if she is shut and lock the door and neither one of you leave till you work it out
it was great advice... hopefully one of these days i will learn to be a bit more self-confident and not let things get to me... awww, who am i kidding, i'm almost 40 years old, maybe i will get self-confidence for my birthday....
gonna try to sleep now.... g'nite pholks...
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
whatever...
i'm sure that i have used this title line before, but you know what, i really don't care... it's been a bit since i have written, and right now, i'm writing out of emotion, so let's see how far this carries me... i'm cranky... very cranky... and when i get cranky, suddenly everything that is going on in my life blows up and everything is wrong... i can't really pin it down as to what is wrong, but something is... just this gut feeling, telling me to "RUN AWAY." i don't know... run away from what? work? home? i don't know, but something is gnawing at me to get tha fuck out of whatever it is... it's funny, my horoscope said that this is the kind of day i was going to have... and i didn't read it till just now... but as i sit here and get more pissed off, i am realizing, "hey, you made your bed, lie in it" now, i made my bed at work, i made my bed at home, i made my bed with my finances, i made my bed with my family... so, which bed am i talking about... i don't know... wish i did... maybe it's all of them... who knows... i just wish i would quit fucking up...
Monday, February 05, 2007
i love it when...
"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. " - Harry Burns (Billy Crystal) - When Harry Met Sally
yesterday, Sunday, February 4, 2007 is a day that i will remember forever... it's a day that i never thought would come again... it's the day that greg asked me to marry him... and i said YES!! so, pending any difficulties, July 7, 2007, we will get married...
i love it when you ask me to marry you, and love it more when i say yes... i can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you...
Sunday, January 07, 2007
5 generations...
Back Row - Katie and My MomFront Row - me, my grandma, Marquis, and Sarah
Five generations... not often you can say that anymore
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