one small step for man, one giant leap for...

LUCY! well, i did it... i put it out there... i said "hey, you know, i wouldn't mind if..."

we shall see....

so many appropriate sayings for today....

well, there are a couple of movie quotes that stick out to sum up the day...

"one hell of a morning has turned into a bitch of a day" - Romancing the Stone

"someone has a case of the Monday's" - Office Space

Although both quotes pretty much sum up my day... i think the way the day ended was the best... it's not a movie quote, it's song lyrics.. leave it to a hippie rasta man to sum it up...

Three Little Birds - Bob Marley - excerpt

Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

I have to believe... so, i'm not gonna worry about a thing... everything little thing IS gonna be alright....

here is to a positive week...

it was a good weekend! my friend todd, who is in the navy, came down friday nite to see me, had a few too many beers, stayed up a bit too late... saturday led me to sleeping in late, then going to see "Must Love Dogs" with my friend debbie... after that, i went to volunteer my time with "his" family at the chiefs game... man, did i have a good time doing that... it was busy, it was fun... made some new friends (hopefully!!), new poker buddies and enjoyed the company, after that 4 of us went to get some pizza.... it was nice to see his parents and his brother, as i don't get to see them anymore, and i do like his family... sunday left me laundry, and burning some shows for david... also let me watch some movies... (see below post) also watched "Swingers" and "The Shipping News"... i was pleased with my movie selections this weekend... this weekend also brought a lot of old acquaintances out of the woodwork... hopefully will be able to build on some old yet new again friendships... people i haven't heard from in over a year... who knows, maybe i just might meet someone.... ya never know....

damned hippie, get a haircut!!!

I watched "Hair" today... something i have wanted to see for a long time, but finally got around to it today... it was pretty good, i enjoyed it... would have loved to see the musical... great music, loved the story... so, i give it two thumbs up! My mom, then said "you watched Hair?" yep, sure did... i was so born at the wrong time....

new music (for me) friday

hmmm... this guy as some anger issues, appears to be pretty pissed off.... but i think i like it... will have to listen again when i am not interrupted... it's not a full thumbs up, maybe 1/2 way...

i'm salty!

oooh boy, i'm ready to rumble! so, as you know from reading this little blog of mine, i have decided it's time to get back out there and stick my toes in the water and start dating... ahhh, yes... allow me to say... IT SUCKS... but that's neither here nor there...

it's 2005, and yes, i have an online personal ad... i have two of them, actually... i do not pay for either of them, i do the "free" version of it...well, it's rare when you find someone out there that is 100% truthful about either themselves or what they are looking for....

so, i get this response from this guy tonite... he actually responded to my ad when i posted it a year ago... we talked a bit, but then i met "him" and yeah, so anyway, we all know how that turned out....

so, this guy sends me a message and i send back a note that says "look, i will be honest, i'm not sure what i am looking for, i got my heart broken by someone that wasn't honest with me, and i before we get any further, i want you to know that i am not sure what type of a relationship i want.. it may be friends, it may be more, who knows, but i just want to be honest."

well, he sends me this email about "how come all you women are looking for mr. perfect, how come you can't just be friends with someone"... i was like WAIT A TICK.... i'm trying to be honest about things and you go off on me... not only no, but HELL no....

his ass is blocked....

edit - 1000 pm - I WIN!!! he apologized! HA!

i dig music....

today, in the mail, came an old friend.... i lost this friend, as it was stolen when my car was broken into... i'm sure that after the culprits got to looking at all my cd's they went "wtf is this crap?!!?? Damned hippy!!"

this was one of the few phish cd's that i have that i didn't have on my hard-drive... mainly because i enjoy it so much, i never took it out of my car, i listened to it all the time... anywho, i got me a replacement copy... it came in today's mail... give it a try... you never know, you just might like it... i was a skeptic once too....

Phish - Slip Stitch and Pass recorded live in hamburg, germany 3/1/97

1. Cities

2. Wolfman's Brother

3. Jesus Left Chicago

4. Weigh

5. Mike's Song

6. Lawn Boy

7. Weekapaug Groove

8. Hello My Baby

9. Taste

it's hump day

and boy o boy am i ready for this week to be over! work has been pure hell lately, and it's getting to everyone there... we are all cranky, tired, and stressed...

the things your body goes thru when you are stressed is amazing... monday was panic attacks, tuesday brought migraines, today was stomach issues... gee, i wonder what tomorrow will bring? the thursday eye twitch? who knows... it's a free for all!!

so, i'm really looking forward to friday nite at 5pm... maybe i can talk one of my friends into going out for a beer... or two... or twelve...

here is to a better thursday....

one day at a time...

it's monday, a new week, seven new days for new and exciting things to happen... so, here's hoping that is the case...

i have a date tomorrow... i told katie about it, and she got all "katie" on me... i'm like, what's up with that? are you not happy for me? she said, the only reason why you are dating is to get back at him... no, that's not the reason at all... if that was the case, i would have slept with the first person that offered it after the break up... i would have went out with the first person that asked me... but i didn't do that... for a couple of reasons... first of all, i'm not trying to get back at anyone for any of this... secondly, it's time... it's been a couple of months now, so it's time to get back out there, and third, i needed to heal... i may not have healed 100%, but i'm a helluva lot better now than i was 8 weeks ago... i knew that jumping into something new right after all the hurt would be a bad thing, so, i took some time off... the next time i get into a relationship, i want to be able to leave all the "ben baggage" at the door.... i think that it's time, and that i can do that now...

wish me luck

new music

BUY THIS CD!!! Track #2, Mr. Brightside, is my current ringer on my phone! That song has a very "cake" feel to it. I wish i could be more music saavy, but i really like this cd!!!

morning pholks....

damn it's hot... the window unit in my room died, so just a fan... no fun to wake up sweating... now to wake up and get sweaty, that's a different thing... :-)

so, not much to talk about today, but have you ever been in a situation where you have this "vibe" coming off of someone.... there appears to be an attraction there... there is some flirtation there... you also are emitting a vibe... the same one... there appears to be some attraction, and there is some flirtation... thing is, you are both "fun" people, so because of that, you aren't sure if it's just a playing around thing or if it's a real "vibe." the other thing is, you just got hurt pretty flippin bad, so you don't want to get rejected again.... so, what's a gal to do? go out there and say "hey, you know, i think i might like you, wanna do something" or sit an wait for him to make the move?

i just don't know.... i do know it's too damned hot to think about it right now, so i won't...

happy saturday

Hi! It's me!

well, not only do i feel liberated, but i actually feel happy! Happy! wow, that's a term that hasn't come out of my mouth in a very long time... so, i thought that maybe it was time to show the world the new improved lucy... times are changing, it's in the air, i can feel it... can you?

i feel liberated!!

i don't know what it was, but something happened to me tonite... for the first time in many, many months, i feel like i can breathe again... and it feels soooooooo good....

i don't know, maybe it's because i'm taking a mental health day tomorrow and starting my weekend early.... maybe it's because when i said "it's done, i'm done, i'm over it" i really meant it... i don't know, but hot damn, does it feel good!!!

i love phish and feeling good for the first time in months!!!!

ahhh, sweet internet....

my home computer has had some major problems over the past few months... well, i just got it back, and it's better than ever!! i can actually enjoy my 3meg dsl now... i can surf, i can update my blog and it not take me 12 minutes between pages....

i can talk to my friends, i can visit my message board (www.truephans.com) and i can do work from home....

oh, how i missed you....

feeling a bit bad

ok, here's the thing... i'm feeling a bit bad about my post from yesterday. i have never publicly bashed him for what he did to me... those of you that happen to read my blog know this. i have been very general in my comments about the break up... trust me when i say, it's not that i haven't WANTED to publicly bash him, but i haven't, because i do care about him and what he thinks... i don't want to hurt him with words...

yesterday's post was the anger in my crying to be let out... again, trust me when i say, i would have liked to have screamed this, wanted to put it in ALL CAPS, BOLD, LARGE FONT but i didn't....

anyway, i apologize for posting my anger yesterday... those of you that know me and know the story of the break up, also know that yesterday's post was extremely justifiable...

again, i'm sorry ben...

what to say...

there is so much i want to say, but i can't... i want to yell and scream and holler... but i can't... i want to cuss and be irrational... but i can't...

i hate you so much right now... thing is, people are going to read this and think that i am not moving on, oh, but i am... i'm just PISSED and i haven't let it out.... so, here are a few lyrics that are helping me to express how fucking pissed off i am...

"You Oughta Know" - Alanis Morissette

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me (actually much younger)
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

real friends...

they say that there are three things that are the hardest for someone to say:

"i love you"
"i'm sorry"
"help me"

i have said the first two, and have truly meant it, but i rarely say the last one... asking for help is something that i just don't do... i figure i can get my way out... one way or another...

the thing is, when i do ask for help, it means that i have gotten to the point that i don't know what to do anymore, i have exhausted my resources... that is the time that i need support from my friends more than any other...

so, it amazes me when you discover who your real friends are... the ones that maybe you don't stay in touch with as often as you should or the ones you don't call as much as you would like... but the ones that are there for you when you say one of the three hardest things to say... "i need help"

it also is amazing when you call out to your friends and hear nothing but silence on the other end... it sends me spiraling into depression... this person is supposed to be my friend, why can't they listen to me when i actually call out for help?

so, for being there and being a true friend... i thank you...

"i am a golden god!"

so, i watched one of my favorite movies this weekend... Almost Famous... i love that movie... i think that the reason why i like it so much is because of the fact that i too, dig music.... all of it...i really think i need to work in the music industry, some how, some way... anyway, the title of this post is the start of one of my favorite scenes in the movie...

Russell, the lead guitarist for the band, gets in a tiff and decides to go explore Topeka, KS. As he and William (the Rolling Stone writer) are walking down the street, some local from Topeka says "hey russell, you want to come to a party?" Off they go. Russell proceeds to drink Jack right out of the bottle and someone hands him a beer with acid in it. Next thing you know he is standing on the roof of this kids house shouting "I am a golden god!" Here is an excerpt of the rest of the scene:

Russell: and you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were..... I'm on drugs!

William: Russell, I think we should work on those last words

Russell: OK... oh... I got it, I got it, I got it... I got it... I got it... this is better... last words... I dig music... I'm on drugs!

Rent the movie if you haven't seen it... rent it again if you have... it's excellent!!