The next part is the question: Is this the person I want to be?
Do i want to be a doormat? no, i don't... but there are times that i think that i am working to fix that situation, but no matter what i do, it seems i still end up with mud on my face. I don't want to be a door mat... i really don't... why i let people walk all over me, i don't know. Maybe it's because of the low self-esteem and trying to do whatever i can so that people will like me. I really don't know the answer to that question. I also seem to think, albeit rather stupidly (if that's a word!) that good karma will bring good things to people. If that's the case, i will EVENTUALLY end up with a butt-load of good karma!
Do i want to be a person that wants and needs to be loved? yes, i do. Do i want to give everything to the person i end up with? yes, i do. do i think that's a detriment? sometimes, because all it does is open you up for hurt and heartbreak... but at the same time, i don't want to go thru life being a bitter and cynical old woman that ends up living alone with a million cats! I think that everyone deserves love, and if i can give that to someone, then great! i want to make some man happy, and in turn, i want to revel in his love and know that i made the right choice (2nd. time around) to be happy for the rest of my life.
Do i want to be a person that sacrifices her happiness to make others happy? No, i don't. I want to be in a loving relationship where BOTH of us can be happy by sharing hopes, dreams, desires and wants with each other and also not be afraid to say "i don't want to do that" or "i don't like that." I think that is the biggest downfall from my marriage... i forgot how to say "i don't like...." or "no, i don't want to do that." My friend Marla would say "you wouldn't say shit if you had a mouthful." Well, that was me... it's not anymore... here, let me prove it... SHIT! :-)
Do i want to be successful in my job? Heck yes! Do i want to be challenged and feel appreciated? yes, who doesn't. My problem is finding that job that will do that for me.... that's the hard part.
Do i want to be a person with low self-esteem? No, absolutely not. That one is a bit harder than the others, as that is changing a mindset... but i will say that being in the right relationship with someone that loves you and you love helps that. I can tell you that in my 2nd. relationship that i was in, for the first time in MANY years, i can say that i became more confident and more secure with who i am because he told me that i am beautiful, and i actually FELT that when he told me. That was the first time in i can't remember when that someone told me i was beautiful, and i actually believed him... for that i thank you....
Do i want to be a romantic? yes... do i want heart and flowers and peace and all that? you bet i do.... but romance isn't just hearts and flowers... it's true love... it's the good and the bad times... it's going thru difficult moments with each other and coming out of it stronger than you were when you went into it because you went through it together. Romance equals love for me... it's about loving someone with your heart and soul... warts and all! And yes, it's about sex as well... but what is amazing about love is that when you are IN love with someone , it's not about sex, it's about everything that goes into sex.... you could have the worst sex ever, but if you are in love with that person, it's the most amazing sex you have ever had. Making love to someone that you are in love with is completely different from having sex with just anyone.... to quote shaun "ummm, the first one"... yeah... definitely...
Anyway, i'm rambling, because it's 4 in the funking morning, so, those are the answers to part two... hopefully they make sense....
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