sappy stuff via email

we have all seen this before, but it holds true....

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

thoughts...

a friend of mine sent this to me today, and i really like it... touched me today, and i needed that...

I look not only at tongue and speech;
I look at the spirit and the inward feeling.
I look into the heart to see whether it be lowly...

Enough of phrases and conceits and metaphors!
I want burning, burning...

Light up a fire of love in thy soul,
Burn all thought and expression away!

Moses, they that know the conventions are of one sort;
They whose souls burn are of another.

hurt

I hurt today. More so than I have over the past few weeks. My body even hurts. And I am angry, so, so angry. The problem is I’m trying to be the way he is being to me, but I can’t. it’s just not in my nature. Wish it was. Wish I could just forget everything. Wish I could put the past 10 months behind me and move on… it was so easy for him, why isn’t it for me? Oh yeah, because I loved this man… I gave him the best of me for 10 months. Because of him, I felt things I have never felt, I loved better than I have ever loved…I truly did give him the best of my love (to quote the Eagles…) it’s not every day that I give my heart to someone… and it’s not everyday that I get my heart broken. I still can’t cry. I have even tried. It’s really hard to “try” to cry. Not everyday that you sit down and say “I’m going to cry about this today.” A good friend of mine said to me last night “when you decide to come out of your hole, we will find you the perfect man.” I thought I HAD found the perfect man… we were so compatible, we had so many weird idiosyncrasies that made the both of us go “whoa.” So many things that brought us together… and I guess, so many things that tore us apart… I’m not saying that we didn’t have issues, we did, what relationship doesn’t? I don’t know… i do know I want this pain to go away… forever…

when i'm having "one of those days"...

end of the world

enjoy...

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I saw this movie last nite.... WOW... Johnny Depp was amazing, and not just because he is Johnny Depp, but because he is an amazing actor. I will admit, i am not a fan of the original Willy Wonka, so i caved when going to see this one. I'm glad i did. I could have done without the "dancing oompa loompa's" but other than that, it was a great movie! You could tell Tim Burton was involved, it had just enough weird creep to it! So, two thumbs up on this end... go see this movie!

to share with you all....

this is something that "he" discovered, but something "we" enjoyed together.... this has got to be one of the coolest online radio stations i have ever had the pleasure to enjoy (besides live phish radio, that is!)

it's a bit eclectic, and sometimes a bit out there, but thoroughly enjoyable... especially on a saturday afternoon when you are just chillin....

enjoy....

secret agent

why won't this pain go away....

I’m trying to be strong, I really am… so maybe I’m just slipping over the past few days… but I hurt… every part of me does… I hurt so bad that I can’t even cry…it’s funny how heartbreak can take over everything in your body, mind and soul….

I’m so scared to get hurt again… the problem with that is the only way you will know if you are going to get hurt again is to jump back in there and take a chance… but I don’t want to… I’m scared to death… I guess what I’m saying is that I want this pain to go away…

I also want to understand… why did this happen? What did I do? Did I do something wrong? Am I undesirable? Am I unattractive? What could I have done to make him love me the way I love him? I have learned a lot from the relationship, I have, but I guess I need to learn more…. I don’t want this to happen to me again, so I want to know what I need to do next time…. Was I too understanding? Was I too giving? Was I too loving? I don’t know…

What I do know is that I just want to stop hurting….

sometimes wish i lived in TV Land...

where everything is perfect and everything works out just the way you want it to.... but alas, i don't, so, gotta deal with what the Big Man upstairs hands you, right?

i am not a "church going" person... last time i went was my dad's funeral, last January. just because i don't go to church doesn't mean i don't believe, doesn't mean i don't worship in my own way. sometimes i think to myself "self, do you think if you went to church and did everything that you are SUPPOSED to do, would God fulfill your hopes and desires for you?" Of course i think that... BUT, i also think that God knows how each of us work, and that he knows that we will all worship in our own way. That's what makes us all unique. God didn't make a bunch of "cookie-cutter" women and men, He made us all different.

i do believe that everything happens for a reason. Call it fate, destiny, serendipity, whatever... i do believe that. I also believe that God only gives us what we can handle. I wouldn't be going through all of this pain if God didn't think i can handle it. i wouldn't be going thru all this turmoil at work and all of this financial bs if i couldn't do it. i know, some people are going to scoff at those statements, but that's how i feel. what's that saying? "if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it." call me goofy, but i do believe that...

so, what does all of this have to do with TV Land? on tv everything always works out. every bad thing that has ever happened to someone seems to have a happy ending. of course, all of this is solved in 30 minutes, less commercials. if it was only that easy.... i guess i am just looking for my happy ending too....

music

music... i love music... you can probably tell that from all the lyrics that i post...you really don't realize how much you love music until you have been away from it for a while... particularly the type of music that you LOVE. i have been listening to a lot of music lately that is outside of what i normally listen to, and i must say, i have totally enjoyed it, but when you "come home" to the music you love, your heart smiles and it just feels good!

music is always there for you. it's there when you are in a good mood or a bad mood. it's there when you are pissed off and angry, or when you are floating on cloud nine. it can help you through a situation you are facing... and i will say, there are times that the type of music you are listening to can be detrimental to the situation you are going through... but the majority of the time, music is always there for you and can be your friend!!

i'm sitting at work, on a sunday (we are closed) and i have my music playing and no one around to bother me, and it's lovely. plus, last night i was able to talk to one of my "music buddies" and it was so cool to have this conversation with someone that if anyone overheard it, they would think we are speaking greek!! here's a sample:

me - yeah, so, i threw in 11-13-97 the other day at work, man what a show
mb - really, what was the opener?
me - chalkdust
mb - sweet
me - yeah, it was tight, nice segues...
mb - how was the setlist
me - it was sick my soul was on there also, nice tight yem with a vocal jam
mb - nice!

so, i'm sitting here listening to Widespread Panic from 10/31/03 ... nice show.. some ramone's covers, nice special guest, plus it's dark and bluesy... kinda like me... i'm loving every stinking minute of it.... for those of you that know of panic, here is the set list....

10/31/03 (Fri) Madison Square Garden - New York City, NY

Set 1: Chilly Water > Imitation Leather Shoes > Chilly Water, Papa Johnny Road, Ribs And Whiskey > Hatfield, Doreatha, Give, Vicious > Pet Sematary > Beat On The Brat > I Wanna Be Sedated > Life During Wartime

Set 2: Action Man > North > Bust It Big > Henry Parsons Died > Monstrosity > Pigeons, Love Is The Drug* > Arleen * > Coconut* > The Time Warp *, E: City Of Dreams, Ain't Life
GrandComment:
* with the Dirty Dozen Brass Band

and i regress... but only for a moment...

so, yeah, getting your heart broken sucks... A LOT, but you know what, it is best in the long run... and i'm ok with that, i really am... anywho... here is why this is being posted today...

i was watching tv last night, something i rarely do and the only reason why is because Katie was watching "Brittney and Kevin - Chaotic" on VH1. It's the video account of Brittney Spears and her new hubby Kevin Fnh;dfvierhoih;idan (whatever his name is...) So, they get to the part about their wedding, and how they surprised everyone and we got to see Brittney in her dress and all that jazz... (God, i hate TV) Well, on the show, they were playing the music over all the still shots from the wedding and what did they play? The flippin Cure!! Why does this bother me? Because "he" listened to The Cure... a lot! Most of the time i hated it, not because of the music, but because of the emotion surrounding it... Yeah, so anyway, i'm watching this damned wedding, the flippin Cure is on, and it's one of them songs that make you "feel", so i got sad... thing is, once you love someone, you always will, at least a part of you will... so, here is the song... and yes, i will always love him... so, like i said, i regress, but only for a moment....

LOVESONG - The Cure - Disintegration - 1989

Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am fun again

However far away,
I will always love you,
However long I stay,
I will always love you,
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you,
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you,
You make me feel like I am free again,
Whenever I'm alone with you,
You make me feel like I am clean again

However far away,
I will always love you,
However long I stay,
I will always love you,
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you,
I will always love you

change is good....

you know, i knew this one was different... yes, i learned what it's like to be "in love" not just to love someone, but i also learned something that i knew deep down in my heart for a few months... no matter how much you love someone, love is about sacrifice and compromise, sometimes the hardest thing to do is let go because you love that person so much. (thank you Josh for helping to point that out for me!)

I have been a crutch for months... i have been there, and yet again, i was in a one-sided relationship... does that change the fact that i loved this man for 10 months of my life? no, not at all... would i take it all back? no, not at all... does it make it hurt any less? no, it doesn't... i feel like i'm dying... i knew it was over, i just didn't want to admit it... i am not trying to have a cavalier attitude about it and i'm not trying to be strong so that people will say "Oh my, look at her, she just got her heart broken and she is doing so well." I am hurting, inside and out, but because of that, i picked up the phone and called my friends... they were great, so for that I thank you all....

from Sugar Ray's "When It's Over"
All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window

I do love you Ben... I hope you find happiness in your life... I wish that i could have been a part of it on a level more than friendship... but i am happy to have you in my life as my friend.... so, yeah, i knew this one was different... just didn't think it would end up like this

who am i? repost with partial answers part 2

The next part is the question: Is this the person I want to be?

Do i want to be a doormat? no, i don't... but there are times that i think that i am working to fix that situation, but no matter what i do, it seems i still end up with mud on my face. I don't want to be a door mat... i really don't... why i let people walk all over me, i don't know. Maybe it's because of the low self-esteem and trying to do whatever i can so that people will like me. I really don't know the answer to that question. I also seem to think, albeit rather stupidly (if that's a word!) that good karma will bring good things to people. If that's the case, i will EVENTUALLY end up with a butt-load of good karma!

Do i want to be a person that wants and needs to be loved? yes, i do. Do i want to give everything to the person i end up with? yes, i do. do i think that's a detriment? sometimes, because all it does is open you up for hurt and heartbreak... but at the same time, i don't want to go thru life being a bitter and cynical old woman that ends up living alone with a million cats! I think that everyone deserves love, and if i can give that to someone, then great! i want to make some man happy, and in turn, i want to revel in his love and know that i made the right choice (2nd. time around) to be happy for the rest of my life.

Do i want to be a person that sacrifices her happiness to make others happy? No, i don't. I want to be in a loving relationship where BOTH of us can be happy by sharing hopes, dreams, desires and wants with each other and also not be afraid to say "i don't want to do that" or "i don't like that." I think that is the biggest downfall from my marriage... i forgot how to say "i don't like...." or "no, i don't want to do that." My friend Marla would say "you wouldn't say shit if you had a mouthful." Well, that was me... it's not anymore... here, let me prove it... SHIT! :-)

Do i want to be successful in my job? Heck yes! Do i want to be challenged and feel appreciated? yes, who doesn't. My problem is finding that job that will do that for me.... that's the hard part.

Do i want to be a person with low self-esteem? No, absolutely not. That one is a bit harder than the others, as that is changing a mindset... but i will say that being in the right relationship with someone that loves you and you love helps that. I can tell you that in my 2nd. relationship that i was in, for the first time in MANY years, i can say that i became more confident and more secure with who i am because he told me that i am beautiful, and i actually FELT that when he told me. That was the first time in i can't remember when that someone told me i was beautiful, and i actually believed him... for that i thank you....

Do i want to be a romantic? yes... do i want heart and flowers and peace and all that? you bet i do.... but romance isn't just hearts and flowers... it's true love... it's the good and the bad times... it's going thru difficult moments with each other and coming out of it stronger than you were when you went into it because you went through it together. Romance equals love for me... it's about loving someone with your heart and soul... warts and all! And yes, it's about sex as well... but what is amazing about love is that when you are IN love with someone , it's not about sex, it's about everything that goes into sex.... you could have the worst sex ever, but if you are in love with that person, it's the most amazing sex you have ever had. Making love to someone that you are in love with is completely different from having sex with just anyone.... to quote shaun "ummm, the first one"... yeah... definitely...

Anyway, i'm rambling, because it's 4 in the funking morning, so, those are the answers to part two... hopefully they make sense....

it was a good day...

10 weeks in the making... and it was a great evening... plus i won at poker (well, #2 out of 11!!!)

who am i? repost with partial answers part 1

I posted this a while back and felt it was time to bring it up again, with some answers... they may be partial, but answers anyhow....

I was talking with a friend at work the other day, and I mentioned that I am very disappointed in the way my life is going right now. He said to me that he came up with something while he was incarcerated that helped him to get his life back on track. Not that being incarcerated didn't help, but this was something he did for himself, not a state issued recovery. He also told me that while he was locked up, he asked his friends to do this exercise and to send it to him while he was in prison so he could see how they viewed themselves. He stated that many of his friends told him that this helped them to put their life into perspective.

Basically it's a life review with a critique and goals. Here are the set of questions:
Who am I?
Is this the person I want to be?
What kind of person do I want to be?
What do I need to be that kind of person?

I think I might try this and see what happens. If anything I will at least be able to put down on paper some of my thoughts and it just might help... who knows.

Well, now for the answers to part 1:

Who am I?
I am a person that has learned that she is a doormat. I have known this for quite sometime, but for whatever reason, i can't seem to get out of this vicious circle. When i think that i am making headway to not be taken advantage of, something comes crashing down that brings it full circle yet again, and i let people wipe their feet all over me. This is pretty much anyone... my co-workers, my family, but most of all my friends. I will do ANYTHING for my friends, as i have so few of them, i completely cherish those friendships. I don't have many friends, but the ones i do have are so close to my heart, i am lucky to have them in my life and i would hope that they feel the same. But those seem to be the ones that hurt more than anything. We all have to "lay down" occasionally for our family, that's a given, but friendship is completely different. You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.

I am also a person that wants and needs love. I have SO much love to give to people, and when i do, look out, i give you everything, my heart, my soul and everything that goes along with it. I have two beautiful daughters, and although sometimes they drive me crazy or disappoint me, i love them more than anything. I am also talking about love in a friendship and love in a relationship. I can truly say that i LOVE my friends and as previously stated, would do anything for them. I have not been all that successful in relationships, having had a whole 2, yes, 2 in my life. My first one ended after 19 years... my second one, well, that one has hurt me more than my first one, i think because i thought i would have learned something from the failed first relationship, but it appears that what i did learn either wasn't what i needed to learn or wasn't applicable in this particular relationship. I will say that i have grown and gotten stronger through the second relationship than i did in the first one (see previous post called "hope".) I am still learning from both of them though.

I am a person that has sacrificed her happiness for the happiness of others. I learned that in 16 years of marriage. I gave up so much of "me" i forgot who i was. I practically ruined my relationship with my children by making a decision to move to Texas and leave them with their father after the divorce, but you know what? that is what was BEST for them. Moving to Texas with mom wasn't. I still find myself bypassing my happiness for that of others, but that is slowly coming around.

I am a person that wants and typically is relatively successful in her career, if that's what you want to call it. I still don't know what i want to be when i grow up, but i do know it sure as hell isn't what i am doing now. I can tell you though, i am good at what i do, and that's good for me, but i need to be challenged and feel growth in my job, and i don't see that here at my current place of employment.

I am a person that has an insane amount of self-esteem issues. Man, those suck, by the way. 'nuff said on that subject.

I want flowers and romance and happiness and love and peace and all that stuff. I want to take care of the person i end up with, and in turn, i want him to take care of me. I'm not talking just physically, i'm talking emotionally and spiritually. I want to be with someone that i can learn things from and in turn can learn from me. I want to be with someone that will ask me how my day is and actually want to hear the answer. I want to dote on this person, show them how much i love them. I want to be genuinely interested in what he has to say, i want to read books together, i want to hold hands while watching TV, i want to feel comfortable in all states of my being with this person. I want to lay naked all day in bed with him and let him touch me and me touch him and know that we are in love with each other and he doesn't mind my stretch marks or my cottage cheese thighs. i want to discover new things with him... music, movies, books, things to do, places to go... on the flip side, i want both of us to be comfortable enough to sit at home in the peace and quite and enjoy the silence too...

I'm sure there is so much more that i am leaving out, like i said this is a partial answer... so, i will chew on this one for a while and see what else comes up...