the power of friendship

So, I just read the story of best girl friends that were involved in the Colorado shootings and how one gal was shot but wouldn't leave her friends side. I realized that I have so few friends in my life but the ones I have I would take a bullet for them no questions asked. Would you?

dreams

so i had this absolutely amazing dream last night about matt. the dream was so real, and in this dream he had aged, and it was present day, just like if he would have still been here. he kept telling me how sorry he was and i kept telling him how much i can't believe that he's here and how much i miss him. then i woke up. as i sit here, searching the internet, hoping that the google search for "matt benson" comes back with a hit, i know it won't, the only hits that i found were for his obituary and a memorial from peoria rescue ministries in april of 2004. it's been 8 years, and i think i miss him more today than i did 8 years ago. so, i just wanted to say that i miss you matt, i wish you were here.

not much to say, but put it down anyway

not much to say today.... i probably should, however not much.

my baby girl turned 16 yesterday... that's just crazy to me, she's not supposed to be that old yet.

katie is almost 7 months along, and marquis is growing like a weed. we have now been in our new home for 1 month and i just love it!! it's incredible!

booked my travel for dallas at the end of the month and found out i get to go to charlotte, nc next month for a training class. i have never been to nc, so that should prove interesting.

having kind of a tough emotional time right now, not really sure why... of course eating like crap and feeling fat are not helping... o well, just a funk and i'm sure i will pop out of it soon

nite pholks

i heart stress

it's been a long week... started off with dallas on monday/tuesday, back late tuesday evening, then work for rest of week. katie's car is officially doa, which sucks and causes stress that none of us need, but since this is all about me (hahahahahaha) it's stress that i really don't need. tummy has been bothering me for the past few days (hello stress) and the scale has not been kind. i have a stupid low grade fever and my allergies/sinuses are being assbags...

on the plus side though - my mommy found a new house!!!! and it's a house that i know that dad would be very happy of and it will be perfect for mom - i'm so happy for her!11

ok, well marquis wants to watch the ocean documentary again and i need to find something to quench my thirst...

happy spring!

first official day of spring, and the weather in el paso has be GORGEOUS lately!!! we are absolutely loving the new house, incredible breeze, able to actually use the grill, just lovely.

katie cooked burgers on the grill last night and they were so good, she did such a good job, and the smell was amazing!

today brings relaxing and packing - i have to go to dallas tomorrow and will be back late tuesday evening, then the follow week i have to go to austin... but i figure i can at least get some frequent flyer miles with all of this travel!

very excited that i am at my lowest weight in 10 years, only 45 more to go to be at my goal weight - hoot!

ok, i need coffee and something.... have a great day pholks!

it's been quite a week

i just realized that my last post was on 2/26 or so... ugh...

we got moved into our new home, and i ABSOLUTELY love it, although my time there was very short lived, as i had to fly home for my grandma's funeral.

we moved on friday and i left for illinois on sunday. by the time i got to my mom's house it was 3am monday morning, and boy was it cold! we had to be at the funeral home at 9am that day, by the time we got home from the services, it was about 2pm.

it rained and was cold the entire visit, i don't think i ever got warm. left to head back to st. louis at 1am on thursday morning, and arrived back in el paso around 11am, it was so nice to be home!!!

we took marquis to see Rango yesterday, he had a good time, i will say though that i didn't think it was that good, but as long as marquis enjoyed it, as it was his first "real" movie.

today i'm going to catch up on my work email, hang my pictures and do some laundry, fun fun.

i already know that i have to travel to dallas on 3/17 and 3/18. i think i have to turn around and go back on 3/21... no rest for the weary...

have a great saturday everyone

enjoying the quiet

the apartment is quiet as everyone is sleeping, except for me that is... marquis decided to wake up at 4am and not go back to sleep till 630, then my mom called at 715, ugh... i need some coffee.

the past two days have been emotionally exhausting. my grandma is dying, literally, and it's a waiting game until it happens. the last person in our family to pass was my dad 7 years ago, and now i am just sitting waiting for "the call." katie hasn't been feeling well, marquis has a cold, and it's just been a very long and emotional couple of days.

we are getting ready for the move - I CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE TO OUR NEW HOUSE!!! electric, gas, cable, movers, change of address - all done, just gotta set up the cleaning crew for this place and i can call it a day. the thing about moving is the packing, i hate it, but i usually throw a bunch of stuff away when i move, so hopefully it won't be too bad

well, i need to start some laundry, make some coffee and get my day started, i feel a nap in my future.

later pholks

minus 60!

h00t! i hit minus 60 today! it's funny how your body does things... it seemed like all of the sudden the bod said, ok enough of this plateau and got back on the wagon!!! my clothes are getting bigger and bigger every day, eventually i'm going to have to invest in a couple pair of pants...

we found a house to rent - i am so excited! we will be moving on March 4!! a bigger house, not an apartment, a fenced in yard - i can't wait!! we will be moving from the east side of el paso to the northeast, but i am so very happy and excited!!

katie has been sick, strep throat, which is no fun... she goes to the doctor today an update on my grandbaby - it's a girl!! YAY!!!

outside of a bit of a sore throat and the fact that i now have to clean and pack this apartment, all is well...

my hope is to be at minus 70 in a couple of weeks!!!

peace pholks!

need to get back on the horse

ever since my week off due to my pinched nerve, i feel like i haven't been able to lose an ounce much less a pound. i have been REALLY bad with my eating habits lately and i'm starting to feel like pooh about it to be honest.

thing that sucks the most is that i STILL have a pinched nerve and it hurts, damn it!

i think i just needed to write that down to get it out... now to finish WALL-E with marquis and get ready for bed

nite pholks

can i have a vicodin please?

so it's been a bit over a week since my last post... due to a real pain in the neck... i mean, really, a severe pain in the neck.

last week of january when my mom was sick and i was having the week from hell, i was in the shower at 530am, you know, doing what people do in the shower at that time of the morning, and go to get my shampoo and get this pain in the neck... well, i said, that sucks, i have a "cricket" (as marquis calls it) in my neck. said pain proceeds to get worse and then proceeds to start down my right arm. now, i drive a stick, so this makes driving bothersome.

i go to urgent care 3 days later and get non-narcotic (no fun! lol) pain pills and muscle relaxers... 3 days later back to the doc for more/different as after laying in bed for a week with heat, ice and meds, stil no change. so, here i sit, almost 10 days later with a pain in my neck and a pinched nerve in my arm... fun fun... i see a MRI in my future

my mom is still sick, out of the hospital, but just not good health... she will be off work for a bit while more tests are run and they figure out how to treat her.

we find out if katie is having a boy or a girl on friday, really looking forward to that and spending the day with her sans marquis

i guess i will make marquis something for dinner...

later pholks

clean underwear needed

went to the cardiologist today, haven't been there since 2009, needed a refill... well, basically that was just a scam to get my $30 co-pay! ekg fine, bp fine, everything fine... so, do i still need to take these heart meds? who knows.... go see your regular doctor and if he wants you to still take them go ahead... WTF ever!

today is the start of a long complicated week.... today wasn't too bad, felt productive yet completely unfulfilled... love it love it love it... not really

get this phone call today from my sister in law - they had to take my momma to the ER, she is having a hard time breathing... well 50 years of smoking a pack a day, bad lungs, bad heart... you know, the perils of getting old... talked to my brother and they are doing a bunch of test on her now, so many good vibes being sent to my momma... i miss her so much, ugh!

the scale was good to me though today... hit a new middle number that i haven't seen since 2007, so that's exciting! i go to the weight loss doc on wednesday, so here is hoping the scale continues to be good to me on wednesday!

ok, well home from work, need to do a load of laundry, or 12... but alas, i'm outta underwear so at least one needs done!

later pholks

what a week... can i get another weekend day please?

it's been a crap week... there really isn't any other way to describe it.... and i really think this coming up week will be just as crap filled.

do go to the doc on monday and wednesday... monday to see if is still need to take my heart meds, and wednesday to the surgeon, i'm hoping to be at least 4 pounds down by then

katie goes on tuesday to find out about her blood pressure....

we are starting to look for rentals to get out of the apartment around tax time... so if anyone knows of any rentals on the east side or the northeast, let me know!!

well, i think my oatmeal is ready, so off i go

have a great sunday
later pholks

minus 50

Today I hit -50!! This is a pretty big milestone for me. Fifty pounds lost since October 12, 2010, so just a hair over 3 months! Hoot! I have 58 more pounds to go to hit my goal weight, which is the “fake” weight on my Illinois Driver’s license (thank you Texas for not putting our weight on our drivers’ license!) and 78 pounds to hit my “stretch” goal, which is the real original weight on my DL.

When I hit my goal weight, I am getting myself a new tattoo. Don’t know what or where yet, but I do know that is my gift to myself.

Today isn’t the best of days though; my tummy really hurts today, as it has for about a month now. I don’t think it has anything to do with the surgery, but about everything else that goes into being Lucy. I think I’m worrying too much about things, and stressing about things out of my control. I need to learn to let go, which has been a work in progress, and I will say that the meds help with this, but there are still some things that are easier said than done.

One thing that I have discovered about myself during this process is that I am caring more about my overall appearance, such as nails, make up, skin care and such. As I have said before, I’m on the lookout for a new haircut, and my friend Tesa has started doing my nails for me every couple of weeks with this cool shellac stuff and man o man does it last, it’s wonderful! If it wasn’t for my nails growing, it would last a good month with no chips or wear, plus it’s o so shiny! I just need to find a good solid cleanser for my skin and a nice fake tanner, because my legs, ooooh weee… they need some sun, or at least some fake sun!!!

I watched the golden globes last night, and all I can say is that I want to be British! LOL! Ricky Gervais was hilarious in my opinion, and I was also able to make my list of must see movies… that’s one of the things I love about this time of year… first up on the list is the Social network. Which I have wanted to see since it came out, but just never made it.

Katie goes back to the doctor next week to find out about her blood pressure, then in 4 weeks we will get to find out the sex of the baby – I can’t believe that there is going to be another baby in the house. We are hoping she is having a girl (at least that’s what grandma is hoping for!!!) Marquis said that he wants a little sister, so that would be lovely if she has a girl.

Sarah will be getting her braces off in a couple of months, then she will be turning 16! I can’t believe my baby will be 16! Then of all things, she is getting her license…. Holy cow! I was speaking to her this morning about college and if her plans are still to try to get to Arizona, but she’s not sure… she’s actually thinking about the Air Force, which I think is a great idea.

Marquis is getting ready to grow – he’s eating us out of house and home. This kid is so funny – the expressions he makes, omg, keeps Katie and me laughing all the time! He’s just hilarious and he’s getting so big! He’s 4 going on 20, I swear!

It’s all quiet on the dating front… and I’m ok with that… when it’s time, it will happen, can’t lie, hope it does soon, but if not, oh well

Well, I am ramblin’ on, so I guess I will stop…..

Later pholks

1/11/11

man, i am tired.

it's been a long day, then ran some errands after work and went to dinner with katie, marquis and lacy... we had a lovely time, and dinner was very good, but boy o boy am i sleepy... plus, it's cold, for southwest texas that is.... and been that way all day. now, granted we don't have the snow that a lot of places have but it's chilly, so i just want to get in my jammies and crawl in bed.

work was long, and meeting filled today and i feel like i didn't get anything done, even though i did. so, hopefully tomorrow i will fill like i have accomplished more.

today would have been matt's 39th birthday... i miss him dearly... much love to you mr. benson!

so,1/11/11 won't come around again for what 100 years or something like that, so i hope the ones were good to everyone....

nite pholks

guilty pleasures

considering the anniversary of my dad's passing seven years ago, today has been a decent day.

got a lot accomplished at work today, the scale was good to me, and i feel pretty... i know, silly, but i do.

katie and marquis are getting ready to head out for a bit, so i'm gonna spend a few hours in my bed catching up on the dvr with my new guilty pleasure - my fair wedding with david tutera. why am i watching wedding shows when i haven't had a date in years? who knows, but it truly is a guilty pleasure!

i came home to the sound of laughter in the house. katie and marquis were playing and he was just laughing and laughing. there is nothing like the sound of a child laughing. and just think, we will have another one in the house in a few short months. it will be here before you know it.

it amazes me how much more calm i am now that my meds are back in my system.... note to self - do not let the prescription run out again!!

ok, well my jammies are paging me along with the remote control....

later pholks

definition of chillin'

today has been, eh, blah.. and that's ok...

i have spent all day in my jammies and pretty much either laid on the couch or in my bed. katie had a few things to do today, as she needs to go put stuff on layaway. i'm going to be a grandma again, baby is due in july, so katie and her friend lacy are out window shopping for all things baby. marquis and i all chilling at home...

of course, chillin to marquis and to me are two diffent things... he thinks that means destroying the living room and watching ren & stimpy, along with acting a donkey over the ipod. my idea of chillin is to take a nap and lay in bed. he won.

i was semi-hopeful about having a date this weekend, however that fell thru, and i'm ok with that.... if you want to be with me, you can be with me 7 days a week, not just monday thru friday... i will find the right guy eventually...

and it's funny, cuz you say to said guy, yeah, i'm a grandma and they are all like, wow, that's cool, blah blah blah, but then when you remind them that you are home with your grandson they all freak out... it's just all very funny to me... and kinda sad.... lol

i wish that you could just skip past the whole "get to know you" stuff and bypass date number one to move into a better comfort zone that comes with date number 2.... hell, i guess i have to get to date 1 first....

ren & stimpy are almost over, thank God... gonna finish my glass of wine and off to bed i go...

nite pholks

5 day work weeks suck

this is the first week that in a couple where i had to work 5 days, and boy, it sucked!!!

it's been an interesting one, i put my profile up on a couple of sites to see if there was any out there, and the one thing i have learned this week is that men are just as insecure as women are

it's quite interesting actually... if you have never done the "online dating" thing, you probably won't get it... this is like my 3 or 4 time trying this... obviously i haven't had a lot of luck at this

you get a quick burst of emotion when you get a new message, hope comes into play, could this be the one... you can be happy, you can be sad if you don't get a message... if you weren't bi-polar before trying online dating, you may be when it's done....my irritation meter spikes a lot quicker than and my bullshit meter is constantly spinning it seems

it's been an interesting week for this dating thing, not sure how it will all turn out, nor do i really care... i know, positive thoughts, blah blah blah... but if it's time for me, then it will happen, if it's not, then it's not....

back to the long week... it's been a long week and my jammies are quite comfy... i think i will stay in them all weekend!!!

I am bloody Ibiza!

Actually no i am not bloody Ibiza, however just about everything that i have read today has brought me to the quote that is the title of this blog.

The quote is from the movie "About A Boy" and it stars Hugh Grant. It happens to be one of my favorite movies also. basically will (hugh grant) is a guy that has never had to work a day in his life due to living off the royalties of a one hit wonder holiday song his dad wrote. will is very shallow and doesn't have any real relationships in his life. in the opening scene will talks about "no man is an island" which is now where we are in this blog.

so, i read my horoscope for the day, and here it is:
"Nobody is an island -- it's an obvious statement to say that you need relationships to get you through life. Other people provide the acid to your base, and can often be a perfect sounding board for your ideas. But in order to make the deep connections you need for total honesty, you must develop trust. The only way to do this is to take a risk and let someone in. So reach out today -- lower your drawbridge and invite someone to cross your moat."

so, i'm reading this and saying... yeah, i know.... i'm trying.... and then the quotes start coming to me from the movie....

Every man is an island. I stand by that. But clearly some men are island CHAINS. Underneath, they are connected...
Marcus: [thinking] I used to think two was not enough. But now things are great; there are loads of people... I don't know what Will was so pissed about. I don't think couples are the future. The way I see it now, we both got back-up now. It's like that thing Jon Bon Jovi said: 'No man is an island.'

i know, this is random and all over the place... so, then i get home and go to my facebook to see what God wants me to know today, and here it is:
On this day of your life, Lucy, we believe God wants you to know ... that it's time to STOP going through the motions of living, and START living. Are you willing to do that now? Or are you going to wait until all life energy drains out of you and your loved ones who are trying to support you at this very moment? You were not born to follow rules and regulations. Living starts with dreaming. So dream, dream friend, and let dreams show you the path to your bliss.

yeah, so basically the planets and God are telling me it's time...

2011 motto - suck less

so, i'm sitting in our morning beat down, and rodney says, well hopefully we sucked less today than yesterday... and it hit me at that point - my motto for 2011 is "suck less"!!! that's really what we all want right? just to suck less than we did the previous year...

so, i got back to my desk, opened up microsoft word, threw in some auto shapes and made me a logo!! then i laminated it and posted it in my office... so, now i can see it all the time - suck less....

pretty much sums it up for the day....

here is the logo... very boring i know, but it goes along with our advertising for 2011... yes, how thoughtful am i that i made sure my suck less logo matches our advertising?! lol

day three of 2011 - can i have a do over please?

i have had a tough emotional day today, things bubbling up that really didn't need to bubble... i'm not a lava lamp for fuck sake...

day started off bad... i wasn't able to fall asleep until about 1am... then what time do i wake up? 4am. yes, three entire hours of sleep... it would be different if i slept like the dead during those three hours, but alas i didn't... so i get up, which was probably stupid in itself, and come out to the old computer.... (hello, my name is lucy and i'm a junkie) i then proceed to play stupid games on facebook until it's time to get up at 530, then it's off to work i go

and boy o boy, it was cold this morning...my poor little fingers were frozen by the time i got to work, which consequently was the same time my car decided it was warmed up.... friggin slacker!

day is humming a long and then some assbag decides to mess it up for me... now, you say, what did this said assbag do?

well, i guess it just boils down to the difference between men and women, and that whole she said, he heard thing... basically to keep it clean for the children, he said hi, i said hi... so far so good, right? he said how are you, i said fine and you.... yes, a well oiled machine this conversation is.... he said do you like the cubs,i say, no, i like the cardinals (this is where i'm cleaning up the conversation) he said, but the cubs are really good, i said well, you can think that, but i still don't like them, i like the cardinals. he said do you want to see the cubs, i say NO THANKS, i want to see the cardinals. again, you know you want to see the cubs, i say, thank you but no, i want to see the cardinals, thank you for the offer though... AGAIN he says, but you will really like the cubs... i say LOOK, I DON'T WANNA SEE THE CUBS I WANT TO SEE THE CARDINALS, thank you for the conversation, but no cubs for me. YET AGAIN... i'm sorry, but i really think you will want to see the cubs. SEE ASSBAG!!!

now, hindsight being 20/20 and all, did said assbag truly mess up my day for me? no... but assbag did remind me of why i haven't had a date in almost 3 years..... then that made me think of something else, which in turn made me think of something else, which led me to www.livephish.com to listen to some phish.... and what all did they play today - seemed like a whole bunch of old stuff that i saw on BSM many years ago, which reminded me of different times, and old friends.... then i got sad....

so, after a marathon conference call and a well deserved smoke, i came home... i'm gonna crawl in bed and get under the covers and request my do over for today... well, not really, i will just go onto the next, but sometimes a do over would be lovely

nite pholks

day two of 2011

2011 is starting off organized... i think

i worked yesterday and we were so busy (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) that i cleaned out my desk drawers, color coded my calendar and filed some paperwork. now, in the whole grand scheme of things, there were probably a million more productive things i COULD have done, but yeah, didn't happen - instead i turned up the tunes, danced in my office and got "busy work" done.

today has been busy as well - i have a been doing laundry all day - and STILL have more to do - this has all been accomplished while watching 5 hours of VH1's top 100 artists of all time. that has been a fun journey, i will say that

the thing about doing laundry that i ABSOLUTELY despise is that now i will have to go put all of this away... i hate putting laundry away, but i'm going to TRY to be more efficient this year and do things as they happen versus letting polly procrastination take over... so far so good (day two mind you!)

i had an epiphany today while watching the meatstick video... i NEED to see phish on NYE!!! i also realized how much i need music in my life... i always have but i remembered today how important it is to me... so, i'm hoping for a short spring run with a little roadtrip or a cheap southwest flight in my future.... grandma needs to get her dancing shoes on

i have also been looking for a new hairstyle... i know, random subject change! i'm trying to let my hair grow, so it's getting long, but it also has just no life in it right now... so on the quest i go to find a new style

going back to the gym on thursday, so let's jumpstart this metabolism! i have a goal to be down 50 pounds by the time i go back to the doctor, which is like january 19 or something... when i hit that goal, i will then set my next goal, as goal setting for personal gain has not been a success for me in the past!

well, more laundry to fold and a glass of wine in my near future...

nite pholks!

2010 and decade recap, amazingly in one paragraph

so, it's lunch time and i'm kinda thinking "wow, i really should be doing something productive" but since i rarely take a lunch when working, i figured what the heck... i'm sure that will come back and bite me in the butt... oh well, so as i sit here and drink my protein shake, i am thinking about the past and the future

it's the last day of 2010... yet another decade come and gone... and this decade was quite eventful: a divorce, move across country, went to atlanta, saw my first keller williams show, saw my first moe. show, went to vegas, met some really cool sketchy internet friends known as TRUEPHANS, owe tahoe a dance, saw my first phish show, saw my first string cheese show, lost my dad, lost matt, move back across the country, fall head over heels in love, get heart broken (actually this is more like a devastating explosion,) get promoted, fall in what i think is love again, realize that it's not love, but fear of being alone, become a grandma, single again, get demoted, have first back surgery, move back across the country, love job, realize that the same place you were in 4 years prior is not the same place you are now, have a date, work my butt off yet continues to get bigger, have second back surgery, get promoted, love job, continue to get bigger, have VSG, feeling better, left apartment on weekend, still love job, jonesing to see phish again, realizing there is more to life than what i am currently experiencing, looking to the future, hopeful for 2011

so, an entire decade in one long winded, poorly puncuated paragraph. here is to a great 2011...

later pholks

pfft....

so, been a while... going to try to write more, but i think i said that last time.

i'm going thru something and i really don't know who to talk to or what to do, so basically i'm just going to put it here and we can see what happens...

haven't felt 100% in a while, but particularly the past few days.... my new tummy hurts ALL THE TIME... i feel dizzy, light headed and i have a miserable headache.... i think i can come up with a reason for all of that, but what i can't come up with a reason for is this....

i am lonely.... i need SOMETHING/SOMEONE/SOMEBODY/SOMEWHERE in my life that removes me from "lucy - call center manager" and "lucy aka grandma." i work a lot and i'm fine with that, but then i get home and i just turn into this blob of nothingness that is mom and grandma

i have been thinking a lot about my friend matt lately - God i miss him... i can't believe that it will be 7 years in February that i lost him. i really loved him, i did... and now he is gone and the only thing i can do is tell him daily that i love him and remember all of the good times we had....

thinking about matt got me thinking about others in my past... which then got me thinking about how unfulfilled i am as a woman... not as a person, but as a woman. of course thinking about all of that then gets me all anxious about what it takes to be fulfilled as a woman, and that whole dating crap thing... yeah, not up for that... at all

i still have a long way to go to be "socially acceptable" again as an attractive woman. yeah yeah yeah, beauty is skin deep, they need to love you for you, all that crap,i know... but when you are a big girl all that stuff that we tell ourselves is just stuff... bottom line is that the first thing someone physically notices about you is your appearance, and if you are 300 pounds or 150 pounds that is what is noticed. chances are you will get noticed more at 150 vs. 300 as well... at least noticed for the right reasons, not the pointing and staring reasons

i have lost 40 pounds thus far and i'm stuck at that point... i will however get unstuck once i start going to the gym.... and yes, i know, should have been doing that all along.... what i have noticed about these 40 missing pounds is how much better i feel both emotionally and physically (i am contridicting myself right now, i know, but overall.) and i think that had it not been for these first 40 pounds, i wouldn't be realizing how unfulfilled i am as a woman.

i have 85 to go to be at my goal weight and 105 to hit my stretch goal. it's funny, when i started this process, i was 110 from my goal and 130 from my stretch, so now i only have 85 to go, so WOO HOO - YAY ME, I ROCK.... i will rock more with another 40 pounds gone... how often can you lose 40 pounds in 2 months? not often.... so, jan 12 will be 3 months, and i'm hoping to be at 50 pounds lost by then....

so, in some bassackwards kind of way, i guess my resolution for 2011 is to get out there.... it's been two and a half years since i have even had a date, so i know i'm not going to find the ying to my yang overnight, but i will never find it unless i do something about it... unless there is a way to have mr. right show up at my door on a silver platter... don't think that's gonna happen any time soon

later pholks

evening pholks...

it's been a bit since i have written, but i thought i would drop a quick post to say hello...

things are a little crazy at work... the center that i work in is in the process of moving from a billing/repair center to a repair center. unfortunately when i got hired, i was hired as a billing supervisor. well, as we whittle down our billing department to a skeleton crew, that displaces two of three supervisors. well, we will find out tomorrow who gets to stay in billing. this will be either a good thing or a bad thing for whoever stays. good in the way that it will give whoever stays are HUGE opportunity to prove what they can do, and also give that person the opportunity for additional duties. it can be bad in the fact that billing will eventually go away, so it could very possibly be a complete and utter dead end... who knows... we shall see...

my promise that i made to myself for a gym membership on 5/15 fell through. my schedule was changed at work, due to katie not having evening day care, so honestly, i go to work, then day care and have the baby in the evenings. paying for a membership to a gym would be pointless right now, due to not having any time to go.

i need to get some things done, like get my car registered, need to get my wisdom teeth pulled, get my computer fixed, again, and get my eyes tested. i will hopefully be able to get some of that taken care of this payday, but some of the others may have to wait a bit.

with my rebate check i'm going to buy some plane tickets, as my younges needs to come down for a visit. then i'm going home in october for my best friend's wedding. of course with everything being so costly right now, i hope i can get two tickets with that money! friggin gas prices are $3.95 a gallon right now... it's just killing everyone. i know prices are higher at home as well... something has to change...

not much time for anything else in my life... eventually i may try to incorporate a social life into the calendar, but not now... i just say, i am jonesing for some of "my" music right now tho... i'm very jealous as one of my favorite bands is playing in my home town, the one i just moved from, at the end of july... really sucks the timing does... o well...

well, off to bed.. have a good night all...

things are looking up? maybe

good evening dear readers...

not much going on, just life and all... but it's interesting what life brings us...

the move to el paso was part one in getting my life back on track... i have some short term goals and some long term ones as well, but it looks like a couple of the short term ones will be completed in the next 30 days.

those of you that know me, know that after my divorce, i made some bad choices, financially. well, i have been paying for those poor decisions and it seems that a couple of the "bad" things will be paid off in the next 30 days. WOO HOO!!! If things continue the way they are going right now, i should be able to pay off a total of 5 bills by the end of the year!! the pace that this year is going, the end of the year will be here before you know it... i'm not counting my chickens yet, it's one day at a time, but if all goes well, i can start making a dent in some other bills that i have and start getting my finances back on track! one step towards that is signing up for my 401k plan at work. my finances are so bad, that in the 3.5 years with my previous employer, i was unable to afford to sign up for the profit sharing plan... this time, i am making it a point to do so... yes, it's only 4%, but it's 4% more than i was able to do before, and what's cool is that the plan administrator allows you to set it up so that every year, it can automatically increase a % point. i know it sounds silly to be excited about something like that, but i am...

step two is a promise i have made to myself that by 5/15 i will have a membership to a gym. I get paid on 5/15, so when i go to run my errands that morning, stop #2 will be at planet fitness. i had made myself a commitment on my 40th. birthday to start an exercise program, but then i hurt my back and had to have surgery, so i had to stop the program. i'm going to start with walking, and go from there. my hope is that i will start to feel a bit better, and also quit smoking... more updates on this later, i'm sure

step three is to start doing more for myself. once i get on track with the gym thing, my hope is to start with a **tiny** bit of a social life, but this is step three... i'm not going to worry too much about it at this point... i have bigger fish to fry so to speak...

i just wanted to recap a few things right quick... off to bed for me...

good nite pholks....

it's been a while...

well, this is my first "blogspot" post from Texas! It's been quite some time since i posted here, as most of my friends are over there on myspace, so most of my blogs go there... as a matter of fact, i just posted one there today... but my "real" blogs are usually over here, where i can write about anything and everything because only the "true" friends read these blogs, not just the "myspace" friends...

anywho - not like i'm writing the next great american novel here or anything, just dropping a note to say hello to everyone and Howdy from that west texas town of El Paso...

for those of you that know me, you know that i lived in El Paso before, and i LOVED it here... well, 3 and a half years later, i'm back... this time with Katie and my grandson in tow... i have a job as a supervisor with Time Warner Cable, better money, better opportunities, better benefits... then you throw the climate into the mix and it was a done deal... katie just started working on Monday, she works for GC Services, it's a call center, and will be taking Reliant energy calls - Marquis started day care on Monday and so far is doing well, it will be good for him to get away from mom and grandma for a bit... just like it's good for mom and grandma to have our own time as well. my schedule sucks tho, 12-9, but katie is 6-3 while in training, so that gives me "my time" in the morning and katie gets time w/o mom in the evening while i am at work

now, my youngest daughter is still at home in illinois with her dad... i miss her dearly, but with all of her school activities and sports, it would have been very unfair to ask her to leave all of that... that and the fact that she has been with her dad since the first time i moved down here, so if it isn't broke, don't try to fix it, right?

well, i just wanted to pop in and say hello... hopefully i will be writing more soon...

maybe...

Maybe... we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe . . when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe . . it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe . . the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe . . the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes failures, and heartaches.

Maybe . .. you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe . . the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, say nothing and know that it was the best conversation you've ever had.

Maybe . .. you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person too.

Maybe . . you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe . . giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe . . happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe . . you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive; don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one who makes your heart smile.

Maybe . . you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

Day of the Dead Trailer!!! HOOT!

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Changes

Changes - excerpt - David Bowie

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

(Turn and face the stranger)

Ch-ch-Changes

Don't want to be a richer man

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

(Turn and face the stranger)

Ch-ch-Changes

Just gonna have to be a different man

Time may change me

But I can't trace time

I'm getting ready for some changes... I'm moving back to Texas! I am SO excited and I can't wait.... I have accepted a position with Time Warner Cable and I am ready to make the rest of my 40th. year and 2008 the best!!

to friends new and old

To all of my friends, old and new... wishing you a very happy new year...

let's reflect, shall we?

**copied from my myspace blog**

well, it's yet another sleepless night and i can't turn my brain off... it's funny when your mind just keeps running what it comes up with...

i started the year optimistic with high hopes for 2007... well, so much for that...

january started off with getting back together with greg and realizing that i wanted to be with him and that "love will conquer all." along comes february which brought the engagement and moving into "our house." things were looking up... until about 6 weeks after that... which was when i knew that i had made a mistake and that love wouldn't conquer all. things kept getting worse and worse between greg and i and i didn't see it stopping any time soon. i kept hanging in there thinking "it's going to get better... just as soon as this happens or that happens, it will get better."

well, this never happened and that never happened, and i kept sinking lower and lower into this realization that i was in yet another failed relationship. i felt i kept trying and trying to make it work, but it takes two to make it a success and two to make a relationship a failure. so, come mid-june, i called it off... broke the engagement and ended the relationship. but those of you that know me, know that it's just not that easy. just because the relationship is over, it still to this day, isn't over. after the break-up, it still took over a month for him to leave the house, and i am still sitting here with a lot of his stuff in the house, waiting for him to come get it. i guess i won't truly have closure until all of his stuff is out of here and what is left is mine. It's funny, my ex-husband gave me an "early Christmas gift" a few weeks ago, he gave me the old furniture that we had bought when we were married... it's nice to have something in the house that is mine, even if it was mine from a long time ago, it's mine again, and that puts a whole different spin on things.

my daughter and grandson have been with me now since the end of may, and that has been wonderful and challenging all at the same time. katie is going thru a time of change in her life as well, and it's funny, as she and i are SO much alike, that sometimes those personalities clash and it can get ugly, but i wouldn't trade it for the world. it appears that things are looking up for her, so hopefully 2008 will put her on the right track to changing some things in her life. then there is Marquis... who, is grandma's pride and joy!! i have gotten to see him start crawling, to now walking and changing everyday. this little boy brings me so much joy, and i look at him and realize that yes, it's been a shitty year, but here is this beautiful baby and my gorgeous girls, and i realize that is all that matters.

i turned 40 this year, and i tell ya, it's pretty much sucked since it happened. i had made this grand decision to start my 40th year off with a new outlook and it was time to make some changes. I was going to start doing something for myself, i was going to start working on this weight issue, and my self-esteem. I started my exercise routine on my birthday, and things were going pretty well... i totally enjoyed it, got 30 minutes to myself 3 days a week and was starting to feel pretty good... then BAM... my back goes to hell. i have been in and out of the hospital, er or doctor's office at minimum once a week since October 5. I am now 8 days post op from my surgery and praying that it took care of the issue.

work - well, work... the lady that has been married to her job since she got divorced 6 years ago realized in the past 2 months that no matter how dedicated, committed or passionate you are about your job, it can be taken away from you in a heartbeat. i have seen the writing on the wall since about july, and spoke frankly and frequently to my boss about how i needed more work to do, and how i wasn't currently challenged. what did all of that get me? demoted. yep... and if it wasn't for the group of people that i work with everyday, i would have probably had a meltdown by now, but i haven't. i'm not going to say that i haven't cried a lot of tears or that i haven't been pissed off because that would be a lie. now, at the same time that this demotion happens, i'm going through all of this drama with my back and the surgery and all that, so it's difficult, at best. there is something to be said about finding out who your real friends are, and discovering friends that you didn't know you had during times like this. again, if it wasn't for the people that i work with, in my new department, my team and my counterpart kathy, i don't think i could have made it.

it's funny, you get demoted and it's like you have the plague. people don't talk to you anymore, you are kind of on your own. hello, i got demoted, you can't catch it!!

i also have one of my oldest friends that is going through some major shit in his life as well, and i want to be there for him and help him through it and be supportive, but at the same time, i can't fix it for him, only he can do that. that's always been my problem, i want to fix it for everyone, and i can't. i can't fix what is wrong in my life, so i try to fix what is wrong in other people's lives. i can't fix this for him, but i can be there if he needs someone to talk to.

through all of what 2007 has brought, it has brought me closer to my family, which is something that i have been kind of standoffish about over the past few years. i hate seeing the disappointment on my mom's face when i make a bad decision, but this emotional roller coaster i have been on the past few months has brought me closer to my mom, which is a good thing. i see everything that mom has gone through in the past few months as well, and again, i can't fix it for her, but i can try to be there for her as well. her dog, sophie, had a heart attack earlier this week... if anything happens to sophie, it would kill my mom. sophie has been a source of joy for my mom since my dad passed away, and i would hate to see anything happen to sophie, as it would just devastate my mom.

so, to all my friends and family, thank you... i love you all. thank you for being my friend and dealing with all of my "lucyisms" and the way i am.

i'm ready for some changes, that can only be implemented by me and for me. i'm ready for closure and for the next chapter of this crazy book of life to begin. i'm ready to make the next 9 months of my 40th year better. i'm ready to be the optimist vs. the pessimist. i'm ready to find me, regardless of what that brings, and to make me a better person.

let's see what tomorrow brings.

will it ever end?

so - my last post, i just read it... October 17 was when i posted it... well, i said i don't think it can get any worse... well, it did... October 18, i got demoted. Not due to performance, due to lack of work... so, that makes it this much more tolerable, but just all around shitty...

then, i find out that i get to have back surgery... WOO HOO... i just hope that it helps and the pain goes away... living life with constant pain has not been fun, as this has been every day since around Sept 1.

let's recap, shall we? Since turing 40 on September 12 the following has happened:

• almost get evicted
• stressed due to money ( i think that will be with me forever)
• daughter still not working
• hospitalized
• miss 2.5 weeks of work
• get demoted
• mom comes to stay for 10 days while she has drama at home
• find out i'm having surgery

sucks, i say, sucks... BUT... today is my grandbaby's 1st. birthday... this pic is actually about a month old.. but he's my gorgeous guy and makes all that crap listed up there MUCH better!!

40 and fabulous - not quite...

well... it's been quite a month, i tell ya....

nothing but drama at work... drama at home....

i have been in the hospital, due to a herniated disc in my lower back, so i have been off work for almost two weeks now... during this time, i get a bit behind (16 days) in the rent, so my landlord wants to evict me... katie still not working... it's just been one thing after another after another... one of my best friends in the whole world is going through a divorce, and he is a very upset and depressed, so trying to be there for him as well... which i REALLY think has been helping, if i must say so

so, things are GOING to get better... they have to

my 40th. year

yes, i just turned 40... ugh...

well, i'm divorced, overweight, grey and a grandma... who woulda thunk it? not me...

i guess you do a lot of reflecting when you hit a "milestone" age like 40... at least i have... and because of that, i am **FINALLY** starting to do some stuff for me... because i want to, not because someone is telling me to...

so, i have started an exercise program, because i have gained 60 pounds in a year.... no fun there... plus that gives me some time for myself...

i have decided that i'm much happier single, for now anyway... it was very upsetting and terribly depressing to end the engagement, but i believe it's for the best. i have been thinking a lot lately about my ex's... all 3 of them. the ex-hubby - well, he's that, the ex-hubby... we get along pretty well, but we have our moments... ben... well, i know he got married and has a baby... but other than that, that's all i know... i hope it works for the both of them.... then there is greg... the one that i thought for sure i could make work... but i couldn't...

i was in texas recently on a business trip and someone said something to me about being "married to my job" and i realized that is exactly what i am... it's my real relationship... and you know what? i'm damned happy about it too, because i know i'm good at it, unlike a normal marriage...

anyway... here's to my 40th. year.... cheers

it's that time again, kids...

time to write...

well, it's been an interesting few weeks... my personal life, what there is of it, sucks... work, well, is work... and right now, i'm bored to tears...

i'm in this strange state of limbo... we aren't together, but we talk everyday... i don't want to be with anyone right now... not him, not anyone else... i just want time for me... and i can't seem to have that either. with katie and the baby being here, no free time for grandma... but that's a different kind of time... it all reminds of this incredible book i read for work called "the one minute manager meets the monkey" and how as a leader, we tend to take "monkeys" from everyone, leaving no time for us to be a leader. well, i got me a shit load of monkey right now... and not just work monkeys...

i am excited though, i get to go to san antonio next week!! WOO HOO!!! i'm going for business, and it's going to be a long and busy week.... but i won't be here... maybe some of that "me" time i need will happen in texas...

my best friend is getting married... i'm happy for him.... one of my good friends from texas is having a baby.... and i sit here and think that i would have been married by this time... we would have celebrated our 1 month anniversary already...

i know i am all over the place with what i am writing, but i guess this is better than sitting in bed, tossing and turning and trying to get to sleep when your brain won't turn off...

so, i apologize for the randomness... maybe one day i will actually put words down in a logical order... nah, why do that??? :-)

uhhh... so...

i should write something...what? i'm not sure...

we broke up last night... it was my decision, and i'm happy with it... incredibly, actually. i was going to marry this man, so you may ask yourself "self, what went wrong?"

good question - so many things, actually... he gets mad because i bring up previous instances that have happened. what else do i have to compare things to? he says i don't talk enough... well, yes, i have my moments, but i talked to him more in a year and a half than i did my ex-husband in 16 years. that my friends is growth...

we are so different, he and i. we differ on work, we differ on hobbies, we differ on the kids. i don't know. he says that i'm running away. no, i'm not, not this time. he says that we should work together to work it out. that's all i have been trying to do. empty promises of "it will get better" and "i'm sorry, i made a mistake, it won't happen again, i promise" have led me to this decision. if i was running away i wouldn't have been here this long. i said a long time ago that if i got married again, it would be the last time, so i am glad that this is over before we got married.

there is love there, buried deep down inside of me, but unfortunately, it's buried so deep that it is locked away in the vault for me to be able to look back on and remember the good times with happiness and joy versus the sadness and sorrow i feel right now

i will always love you

it's about that time again...

well, it's 3:20 in the morning and i can't sleep. sarah is in there sawing logs, greg is on the couch, sleeping away, and here i sit wide awake. great. this past week has been a bear... i'm grouchy, greg's grouchy, makes for not much fun, i tell ya.

it's so hard to let go of old habits and thoughts. some things have happened this week that make me completely revert to "is that comment about me? did he/she mean me when they said that? why did i get that look, what did i do wrong?" and i tell you, i absolutely HATE that about me... among other things, but that is one thing that i just can't stand about me...

so, while i'm trying to go to sleep, albeit unsuccessfully, tonite, i end up on the disney channel watching "boy meets world" and it's one where corey and topanga are in college and are married. they have their first fight ever, and what do i do? start crying... it's a friggin' sitcom on the damned disney channel, and i start crying.... i guess because part of their first fight ever hit home to me, and boy, did that suck... but i will say, that the advice that corey's friend shawn gave him was dead on... basically he said this:

she left, crying - go home, hope that she is still there and if she is shut and lock the door and neither one of you leave till you work it out

it was great advice... hopefully one of these days i will learn to be a bit more self-confident and not let things get to me... awww, who am i kidding, i'm almost 40 years old, maybe i will get self-confidence for my birthday....

gonna try to sleep now.... g'nite pholks...

whatever...

i'm sure that i have used this title line before, but you know what, i really don't care... it's been a bit since i have written, and right now, i'm writing out of emotion, so let's see how far this carries me... i'm cranky... very cranky... and when i get cranky, suddenly everything that is going on in my life blows up and everything is wrong... i can't really pin it down as to what is wrong, but something is... just this gut feeling, telling me to "RUN AWAY." i don't know... run away from what? work? home? i don't know, but something is gnawing at me to get tha fuck out of whatever it is... it's funny, my horoscope said that this is the kind of day i was going to have... and i didn't read it till just now... but as i sit here and get more pissed off, i am realizing, "hey, you made your bed, lie in it" now, i made my bed at work, i made my bed at home, i made my bed with my finances, i made my bed with my family... so, which bed am i talking about... i don't know... wish i did... maybe it's all of them... who knows... i just wish i would quit fucking up...

i love it when...

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. " - Harry Burns (Billy Crystal) - When Harry Met Sally

yesterday, Sunday, February 4, 2007 is a day that i will remember forever... it's a day that i never thought would come again... it's the day that greg asked me to marry him... and i said YES!! so, pending any difficulties, July 7, 2007, we will get married...

i love it when you ask me to marry you, and love it more when i say yes... i can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you...

5 generations...

Back Row - Katie and My Mom

Front Row - me, my grandma, Marquis, and Sarah

Five generations... not often you can say that anymore

don't let them put you on a shelf

Donavon Frankenreiter - Move by Yourself

I remember those times
When they said I couldn't make it
I told them I couldn't just do what they wanted and fake it

They said they'd be shocked if I could find another place to go
And you know they said if I left I'd just be all left alone
And then a friend said

Don't stop doing what you believe in
Don't let them put you on a shelf
You've got to move by yourself, move by yourself tonight
You've got to move by yourself, move by yourself tonight

Sometimes they can't forget
Forget just what you've got
But don't ever be no, no
Somebody that you're not
When there's a choice you've got to make
Do what you feel, don't hesitate
You know I will never, never forget what a friend said
His words keep ringing in my head
He said

Don't stop doing what you believe in
Don't let them put you on a shelf
You've got to move by yourself, move by yourself tonight
You've got to move by yourself, move by yourself tonight
I said you've got to move by yourself, move by yourself tonight
You've got to move by yourself, move by yourself tonight
Oh move on, move on baby

Move by yourself, move by yourself tonight
You've got to move by yourself, move by yourself tonight
You've got to move by yourself, move by yourself tonight
You've got to move by yourself, move by yourself tonight

and so ends another chapter in yet another book...

well, i have had two relationships since my divorce 5 years ago. the first is very well chronicled here on my blog... the second, well, not so well chronicled, BUT if you go back and read some of the things i wrote in about my first relationship, you would see some very striking similarities.

anyway, i'm at the last page of the last chapter of this book called relationship #2, and although ending very differently, it's still ending. this time, my choice, although my reaction to HIS choices is what made me make this choice to end it. and i must say, i feel better than i have in a while. i have spent time with my family, my grandson in particular, and i have been just a bit more stress free, thank God... just waiting now for him to get all of his and his daughter's things from my home for me to finish the chapter and close the book...

so, what will the next book that i write be about? all this drama is starting to get old... i think my next book will be a comedy!! :-)

introducing...

Marquis LaVelle Douglas Wade

Born November 14, 2006

9:50am

7pound, 7 ounces

19 1/2 inches long

The Proud Family

it's crunch time

well, the past few sunday nights we have spent in labor and delivery, all being false alarms. katie is looking and feeling good, it's amazing that this baby will be here in just a few days... she goes to the doctor today, so we shall see... all i know is that she is currently dialated to a 1, but had about 12 hours of contractions yesterday, never moving past that 30 minutes apart zone... doctor's appointment should prove interesting today...

i'm gonna be a grandma sometime this week... craziness, i say

going nowhere...

Mad World - Tears for Fears
Covered by - Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places
Worn out faces

Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere
Going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression
No expression

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
no tomorrow
No tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which i´m dying
Are the best i´ve ever had
I find it hard to tell you
´cause I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It´s a very very
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world
Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday
Happy birthday

Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen
Sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me
No one knew me

Now the teacher tells me what´s my lesson
Look right through me
Look right through me

And I find it kind of funny...

new music friday is tired...

i have decided that i'm running out of stuff, so i will just share as it comes along...

i'm on the lookout for some new music, so anyone wanting to give ideas or share some suggestions, that would be great!

peace, love and happiness

new music friday

today's new music is incredible... Robert Randolph and the Family Band - Live at the Wetlands... it's only 6 tracks, but it keeps your feet moving... and it's just plain happy music!! i'm totally diggin it and i have had this disc for over a year... fun stuff man!

new music friday

today's new music is from trey anastasio... Bar 17. The artwork on the front of the disc is something that trey created as well. I have heard about a third of the disc so far, but i am enjoying it... dragonfly is my favorite so far, as trey brought back the horns... I will probably edit this later after listening to the entire disc... so very excited for new music from big red!!!

new music friday

today's new music is INCREDIBLE!!! This is a "best of" that truly is the best!! Watching "Walk the Line" really is what made me decide to buy this disc, but i friggin love it... lots of favorites on here, a lot of songs from the movie as well... Johnny Cash was a trendsetter... his first talk show, his guest was Bob Dylan... music with Willie, Waylon and many others... plus the love story of him and June... I realized as i was reading the info on the inside of the cd, he died on my birthday a few years ago... heartbreak from losing june 4 months earlier... great disc... he's a classic... can't beat the man in black!

one of the nicest things he's done for me...

so, he said to me, they found my "achilles heel, it's you..." so, today it hit me why he has the ringer he has.... it touched me.. and helps me to realize that he does love me...

I Walk The Line - Johnny Cash
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I find it very, very easy to be true
I find myself alone when each day is through
Yes, I'll admit that I'm a fool for you
Because you're mine, I walk the line

As sure as night is dark and day is light
I keep you on my mind both day and night
And happiness I've known proves that it's right
Because you're mine, I walk the line

You've got a way to keep me on your side
You give me cause for love that I can't hide
For you I know I'd even try to turn the tide
Because you're mine, I walk the line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep my eyes wide open all the time
I keep the ends out for the tie that binds
Because you're mine, I walk the line

rock - me - hard place

(see, that's me, between a rock and hard place)

i'm in a sticky situation, and it's none of my doing, but i am now involved... so, the question is, do i just stfu about it and move on, or, do i speak my mind about it...

i really don't know, to be honest... i will probably stfu and move on, but this situation has SO MANY FRIGGIN RAMIFICATIONS around it...

ugh...

new music friday on a monday morning

well, blogger was acting a donkey when i was trying to do this on friday, so here is yet another late installment of new music friday.... this is one of my FAVORITE phish studio discs... the story of the ghost... lotsa good stuff on here... released in 1998, this is one that i didn't realize was one of my favorites until i really learned to appreciate phish... many, MANY, many good ones on here, birds of a feather, guyute, water in the sky, roggae... take a listen, it's lovely

productivity, or lack there of....

i really should be working, as i have a HUGE list of stuff to do, but i am now working on hour 13, and i have kind of lost all urge and desire to work... o well...

the past few weeks have been crazy. labor day holiday, long weekend, come back to a trip to denver, back in the office 1 day. then, in the office on monday, out again to tucson on tuesday... drama filled on tuesday, but i eventually made it to tucson (wednesday!) then drama at home while in tucson, then back home on friday, to more craziness at home that weekend...

this was my first full week in the office since the beginning of september. it's funny, because the only thing i was looking forward to all month was my birthday, and i don't celebrate my birthday, because i just don't... well, this was the first birthday since the divorce that i had someone besides my family in my life that i wanted to share it with... and it ended up being a great day, because Greg was with me, until we went to the airport so i could go to tucson...

coming home was nice though... now that all the visitors are out of the house, it's back to mom, sophie, greg, madison and me... sarah every other weekend, and katie, with her big pregnant belly, some times. i was telling greg tonite at dinner how all i want to do is lay naked in bed with him all weekend... now, we all know, we can't do that all weekend, but that's what i want to do, just be with him....

we talk every nite as we lay in bed, unwinding from the day, and laugh and giggle about stupid stuff, and as i laid there last nite, the biggest smile came over my face... he didn't see it (it was dark, after all!) but i was so incredibly happy... i can't wait till the day that he makes me his forever... granted, in my heart and mind, i am already there, but i just can't express how much i love this man and his daughter...

well, this hasn't increased my productivity level at work, but it felt good to write... i should be writing my self appraisal, but alas, i'm not...

nite pholks...

new music friday on a late monday night...

ahhh, today's new music, isn't new at all... this is one of my favorite discs in my collection... The Very Best of the Grateful Dead. part of the reason why i like this disc, is that my 11 year old sings along to Uncle John's Band and Casey Jones. My original copy was stolen, and i was so grateful that i had it loaded on my computer... i am now on my second burn just for this disc... i love it... so, if you like a "few" dead songs, you might want to check this one out, because chances are, what you like is on here..

my 39th. year

has been quite a challenge already... I was supposed to travel for business on my birthday, and ended up sitting at the airport all day long, when i was 7 miles from my house... and then i never left... so, i arrive in tucson late on wednesday for the training class i was supposed to attend.

then, the night before i leave, there is a big huge drama filled fiasco here at home, where i have 3 different people calling me and telling me all this "stuff" that i need to take care of or address, when i am 1500 miles away... a whole helluva lot i can do from tucson...

then, i didn't want to leave, because being back in the southwest made me realize how much i miss the southwest...

and yes, i know, i haven't posted my "new music friday" post yet, because by the time i got home on friday, all i wanted to do was crawl in bed and sleep for 3 days.... so, new music friday will be coming up next...

come on 39, i know you can do it...

they say it's your birthday....

well, tomorrow i turn 39... ugh... 39 years old... one more year to the big ole' 40. you know tho, i can't really complain too much about turning 39... it has been a helluva lot better than when i turned 38... so, what do i have to look forward to in my 39th. year? grandbaby on the way... more responsibility and focus at work... a wonderful man in my life, who i hope to be engaged too soon, a "step" daughter, and a new extended family, if all goes well... which i think it will...

my kids are doing well, my oldest is freaking out about giving birth, my youngest is freaking out, cuz that's what she does best!! =)

anyway, happy birthday to me tomorrow

new music friday

well, i will have to say that i'm starting to run out of new music for new music friday. my music trading pal at work, paul, left the company a few months ago, so i don't get as much music as i would like right now... so, for new music friday now, i will start going thru my collection... it may not be new to me, but it just might be new to you...

so, today's installment is The String Cheese Incident - Untying the Not. I got this for Christmas a few years ago from one of my reps... it's kind of darker than most cheese discs, but i must say, it is one of my favorite cheese discs.... plus the artwork is pretty cool!!

new music friday on a late sunday night

today's new music is something that i go a while ago, but maybe it's new for you... The Jerry Garcia boxed set. 5 discs, it's wonderful... some outtakes from the studio sessions, and this is one of those sets that i can leave playing on my computer for days at a time... I really enjoy this boxed set, and would highly recommend it for any garcia or dead fan!!

do i have "alcoholic magnet" tattooed on my forehead?

i swear... what is it about me? why does it seem that there is always SOMETHING... i learned alot about dealing with an alcoholic in my last relationship, and in this one, i have found that i am much stronger than i was before... i can tell you, i'm definitely not putting up with the amount of shit i did before... but damn, man...

it's funny, because greg gets upset when i compare him to ben, but i'm not comparing him, i'm comparing his behaviors to ben...and i see the same behaviors in greg when he has been drinking that i saw in ben....

all i have to say is ugh...

i do know that i can't go thru another weekend like i did this weekend. and i told him that... i have 3 choices...

1. continue on like nothing is wrong
2. kick him to the curb
3. rehab - to which i will go, and i will be there for support

the thing is, he doesn't see what his behavior is doing to the people that love him... all he sees is him... again, i say... ugh....

and with that, i'm spent...

new music friday

today's new music comes from my new favorite magazine... paste. this disc is not my favorite of the ones i have received so far, but it's still good... i really like samplers anymore, because it does turn you on to stuff that you wouldn't typically listen to... gives you just a taste... for instance, i have really enjoyed the josh ritter that has been on samplers... this one has umphrey's mcgee on it, and it's pretty good... anyway, take a listen...

new music friday... better late than never

sorry for the delay in getting this out, but it's been quite a weekend! Anyway, today's music is FAR from new, but it's WONDERFUL... I remember when i was 16 going to the movies to see this... Talking Heads "Stop Making Sense." The DVD is amazing and the soundtrack is incredible. I have said it before, and i will say it again... David Byrne is a friggin' genius...

new music friday

today's new music is from....PHISH!! this is the bonus cd that came with my Phish Live in Brooklyn dvd! I LOVE this disc! It hasn't been out of the cd player much since receiving it! At the beginning of track 6 and in between the remaining tracks on the disc, you will hear "fluffhead" teases... and it's lovely... o, what i would have given to see or hear one more fluffhead before they were gone... alas, teases are all i have, but it works for me!!

what do you mean "do something?"

ever had that feeling that you were drowning, and you just couldn't get to the top of the water to get the air? i feel as if my life is completely out of my hands, and i don't know how to get my hands back around it... i'm spiraling out of control, and i haven't felt like this in a long time... and to be honest, i don't like it.

i feel like a puppet... going thru the motions to make every other fucker in this world happy but me (sorry for the rudeness, but i watched shaun of the dead this weekend, and that quote just kind of stuck... it goes something like this)

Liz - "if i don't do something, i'm gonna spend the rest of my life in this bar with the rest of these sad old fuckers, drinking myself to death and wondering what the hell happened"
Shaun - "what do you mean, do something?"

i don't know, all i know is that right now, BESIDES being horribly sick (stress related,) i feel completely out of control...

o well, i guess this too shall pass... always does, one way or another

new music friday

today's new music is from BONNAROOOOOOOOO!!!!! 'roo 2004 to be exact! I love these discs, and i am anxiously awaiting the release of last years discs... anyway, this 2 disc set is lovely. dylan, dave, dead, david byrne (a genius, btw!) trey, damien rice... so many great artists! bonnaroo is definitely evolving from a tradtional "hippie" fest into a true musical experience for anyone... this past festival headlined radiohead and tom petty... not your typical hippies! anyway, yet another great disc from the promoters of 'roo! keep brining it!

new music friday

today's new music is courtesy of jason via nancy. i love dave. now, let me say that a lot of phish phans don't love dave. but there is something about this man's voice that just makes me melt. i have never seen him live, although i would love too... problem is, i'm not gonna spend the amount of money it costs to see DMB. this is a great disc set. pretty much all my dave "live" discs are good, and i am happy to add it to my collection!

frusration, ugh...

well, it's been a long time since i have sat down and actually wrote something. the past couple of weeks have been crazy and i don't know, i guess my frustration has finally gotten to me...

we found out a couple of weeks ago at work, that one of our accounts is leaving on august 11. this is an account that i helped start up, but i am no longer associated with. so, why am i frustrated, since i'm not associated with it anymore?

well, because they are leaving, we may not need all the management people that we currently have in place. i got promoted (temporarily, until i could prove myself) in january. so, because of the fact that although, yes, i have proven myself, my position may be eliminated.

so, i find out today, that i will still have my position until at least september 1, but that we will "revisit" everything then. so, i have a month of stressing out ahead of me. there is really no one i can talk to about this situation, as my boyfriend works for the same company, and all of this is information that i'm not really allowed to discuss in detail. (what i have written thus far is all common knowledge, so i'm not divulging any secrets by writing this.)

i'm also frustrated in the fact that the few times i do try to talk to him about anything work related, it turns into a fight. we fight about work all the time, unfortunately. he and i are VERY different when it comes to the way we look at work. so, it's to the point that work is an "off-limits" topic... and that sucks.

i can't talk to my mom about it, because she will just share it with greg because she is "worried" about me... i understand that, but at the same token, i would like to talk to my mom.

o well... i feel better now that i got some of this out... the next month is gonna suck.

new music friday

today's new music comes from one of my favorite movies, "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" First of all, LOVE the movie, secondly, love the soundtrack! The movie is a gag, very funny, and George Clooney and John Turturro are perfect in this flick! Check out the soundtrack if you like the movie, because, it's a good one!!

having it easy...

Our lives are an exercise in facing challenges. We dream the grandest of dreams as youngsters only to discover that we must cultivate copious inner strength and determination in order to meet our goals. Our hard work does not always yield the results we expect. And it is when we find ourselves frustrated by the trials we face or unable to meet our own expectations that we are most apt to take notice of those individuals who appear to accomplish great feats effortlessly. Some people's lives seem to magically fall into place. We can see the blessings they have received, the ease with which they have attained their desires, their unwavering confidence, and their wealth. But, because we can never see the story of their lives as a whole, it is important that we refrain from passing judgment or becoming envious.


Throughout our lives, we glimpse only the outer hull of others' life experiences, so it's tempting to presuppose that the abundance they enjoy is the result of luck rather than diligent effort. In a small number of cases, our assumptions may mirror reality. But very few people "have it easy." Everyone must overcome difficulties and everyone has been granted a distinctive set of talents with which to do so. An individual who is highly gifted may nonetheless have to practice industriously and correct themselves repeatedly in order to cultivate their talents. Their myriad accomplishments are more likely than not the result of ongoing hard work and sacrifice. You, no doubt, have natural abilities that you have nurtured and your gifts may be the very reason you strive as tirelessly as you do. Yet others see only the outcome of your efforts and not the efforts themselves.


Our intellects, our hearts, and our souls are constantly being tested by the universe. Life will create new challenges for you to face each time you prove yourself capable of overcoming the challenges of the past. What you deem difficult will always differ from that which others deem difficult. The tests you will be given will be as unique as you are. If you focus on doing the best you can and making use of the blessings you have been granted, the outcome of your efforts will be a joyous reflection of your dedication.

new music friday

today's new music comes from my favorite band... PHISH!!! Phish Live in Brooklyn came out on Tuesday, and it's AMAZING!! I remember driving from El Paso to Phoenix to watch this live simulcast in June of 2004, and i had THE BEST TIME... the boys put on a great show, and i danced my ass off, in a movie theater, no less... i got goosebumps as i put the dvd in and heard "dinner and movie" and possum... and the suzy kicked my ass!! anyway, it is nice to be able to talk phish when it comes to new music! i got a "bonus" cd with my dvd purchase, and that hasn't come out of my cd player in my car since i got it!! even some fluffhead teases in there for me!! HOOT!!! i love phish and new music!!!

new music friday

today's new music is actually old music, for me, but rediscovered! i have been listening to string cheese incident for a few years now, and this was my first cd, courtesy of my friend matt (rip.) this is a great disc, it's fun, it's upbeat, and keeps your foot tappin' thru most of the disc. the "cheese" does have a tendency to be a bit odd sometimes, and you find that on the second disc, but that's easy enough to get through. there is definitely a bluegrass feel to most of their must, and i must say, from personal experience, they put on a helluva show! i would go see them again, given the opportunity!

new music friday

today's new music comes from, of all things, american idol... and no, it's not because i watched it (UGH!)

one of the guys here at work, came up to me a few weeks ago, and said, "do you watch american idol?" no, i don't. he said, this girl, whoever it was, sang this song called "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" and it sounded like a song you would like.

so, i googled it, and got to listen to the song, and yeah, it's a song that i would like, so i decided to grab the disc the next time i hit best buy.

Well, this is good cd, i enjoy it. some mellow songs, but definitely my favorite is the cherry tree song! it pretty much rocks! this chick is scottish and from the UK, and i must say, i'm a bit jealous, as she saw the greatful dead in concert!!

so, check it out, it's worth a spin!

damn, i'm gettin' old... but that's OK!

In each stage of life, there are wonderful experiences one can savor and valuable insights one can absorb. Every new decade and, in fact, every new year brings with it wisdom, transformation, and growth, as well as ends and beginnings. Many people, however, believe that there is one age that eclipses the others. They expend energy trying to reach it and, once it has passed, trying to retain it. But wishing to be younger or older is a denial of the joys that have been and the joys yet to be, as well as the beauty of your life in the present. Holding on to one age can make it difficult to appreciate each new milestone you reach. Taking pleasure in the delights of your age, whether you are in your 20s, 40s, 60s, or 80s, can help you see the magnificence and usefulness of the complex seasons of your life.

Each new year gifted to us by the universe is replete with exciting and unfamiliar experiences. In our 20s, we can embrace the energy of youth and the learning process, knowing it's okay to not have all the answers. As we move through our third decade, we grow more self-assured as the confusion of our young adulthood melts away. We can honor these years by putting aside our fears of aging and concentrating instead on solidifying our values and enjoying our growing emotional maturity. In our 40s, we become conscious of the wisdom we have attained through life experience and are blessed with the ability to put it to good use. We are not afraid to explore unfamiliar territory or to change. In our 50s, we tend to have successfully navigated our midlife reevaluations and have prioritized our lives. In the decades beyond, we discover a greater sense of freedom than we have ever known and can truly enjoy the memory of all we've seen and done.

Try to enjoy the age you are at now, for each age presents its own unique wisdom to savor.

new music friday

today's new music is just plain fun! donavon frankenreiter - move by yourself... his sophomore disc is a far cry from his debut (which, by the way was part of new music friday on 10/7/05) you can easily tell that he switched labels, moving from jack johnson's brushfire records... this disc is pure 70's fun and funk! it's a lot of fun, feels like an old 70's band... but the hippie comes across on this disc as well... it's a lot of fun, and good to be able to watch an artist evolve... check it out...

it's a boy!

we just got back from the doctor, and katie had her sonogram today. She is 18 weeks and a few days and it looks like we are having a boy!! haven't had a baby boy in the immediate family in a long time, so this will be interesting! baby is healthy and happy, and the sonogram tech said that she "couldn't help" telling us the sex, because it was just "waving" to her! too funny!! So, now we just sit back and wait till this little boy is born!! November 17 is a long way away!!

new music friday

today's new music is courtesy of jason, and for the first time in a while i can say WOW... this disc is amazing!! This is Jack White's band (White Stripes) and although the disc is only 33 minutes long, it keeps you interested through all 33 minutes. (sidenote, i haven't taken it out of the cd player in my car since i got it.) There are so many influences that i hear in this disc... i hear rush, i hear the beatles, and my favorite is track 10, blue vein, where i hear a lot of led zeppelin. It is definitely worth the $14.00 or whatever you will spend on it... BUY THIS DISC!!!

new music friday

today's new music is courtesy of my daughter... yes, katie! it's crazy really, cuz i took her to see this movie for her birthday, and she said she liked it ( i know i did) but i was kind of skeptical about her real feelings for it... until she tells me "mom, i got the soundtrack to rent!" then, sitting at the house on a sunday afternoon, we put this in, and she knows all the words, and is singing away like mad! it's a great soundtrack, and if you haven't seen the movie, i suggest checking it out!!

new music friday

today's music comes from paul (big surprise there!) he gave me this a while ago, and i haven't had an opportunity to listen to it until recently, and wow, what a soundtrack... i really enjoy it... kinda folky, kinda mellow... has fit the mood for the past few days... i really need to see the movie, thing is, i have always wanted to see it, but never made it... think i might rent it this weekend...

writing to write...

It’s been a while since I have sat down and written just to write, you know, something meaningful and all… not saying that what I have been posting is drivel, it is important to me, but still…

So, a lot has happened in the past couple of months… and it’s been good, mostly. I have wrapped my arms around this “grandma” thing, as much as I can, anyway. Life gives you lemons, you know… what can you do? Show love and support… doesn’t mean that I’m jumping for joy, but this is what God has brought us, so that’s what we have to deal with…

I am in an incredible relationship, and that has progressed rather quickly (so much for going slow…) but we have known each other for almost 2 years, and we were friends first, which I think is very important. He and his daughter have recently moved in with my mom and I, and talk about making two women incredibly happy…. it's incredible, really, how friggin happy i am!

Work is going well, as well as can be expected for work anyway… my hope is that I can quit my part time job by August or September (fingers crossed!) it would be nice, so that then I can spend more time with my kiddo, my man, my mom and heck, I got a grandbaby on the way, so yeah, that too!

My full time job is opening a call center in San Antonio, so, there may be some opportunities in that realm for relocating… which wouldn’t be bad, cuz God knows, I do not like the midwest at all… I loved living in Texas, and would go back tomorrow if I could… I’m getting to go to St. Louis next week for a few days for my part-time job for some schooling… get to stay in a very nice hotel, plus get free product! HOOT!

Got to see some really good movies lately… saw the Da Vinci Code, which I really enjoyed, along with X-Men 3, which was great and also saw Over the Hedge, which was good, but not as funny as I thought it would be.

I bypassed one of the few things I have been looking forward to since I came home, that is Summercamp. It’s hippie festival in Chillicothe. There were about 30 bands, local, regional and national, there… a lot I have seen, a lot I really wanted to see… but I did some soul searching and realized that 5 days off in a row with nothing really to do was more desirable than hanging out with a bunch of young kids and partying for 3 days straight… damn, I’m getting old…

Well, I should get back to work, so this is my writing to write post… feels good, I guess I need to do this more often…