Happy New Year!!

Here is to a very happy and healthy new year to one and all!! 2006 has got to be better than 2005! I have had a million ups and downs this year and was hoping to go into the new year with a happy heart, but alas, looks like it's the same old me moving into 2006, but with the resolve to make 2006 a better year!!

Please be safe and have a great year!

Reversed Perceptions

today's Daily OM

Projecting

We all have issues, as well as undesirable qualities or traits that we don'tlike about ourselves. Most of us realize that we are not perfect and that it isnatural to have unpleasant thoughts, motivations, desires, or feelings. However,when a person does not acknowledge these, they may ascribe those characteristicsto someone else, deeming other people instead as angry, jealous, or insecure. Inpsychological terms, such blaming and fault finding is called projection.

When we are the target of projections, it can be confusing and frustrating, notto mention maddening, particularly when we know that we are not the cause ofanother person's distress. Even people who are well aware of their issues mayfind that sensitive subjects can bring up unexpected projections. They may feelinsecure about a lack of funds and thus view a friend as extravagant. Or, ifthey really want to get in shape, they may preach the benefits of exercise toanyone and everyone.

While we can try to avoid people we know who engage in projecting their "stuff"onto others, we can't always steer clear of such encounters. We can, however,deflect some projections through mindfulness and meditation. A usefulvisualization tool is to imagine wrapping ourselves in a protective lighteveryday. At other times, we may have to put up a protective shield when we feela projection coming our way, reminding ourselves that someone else's issues arenot ours. Although it's difficult not to react when we are the recipient of aprojection, it is a good idea to try to remain calm and let the other personknow if they are being unreasonable and disrespectful. We all know that it's notfun to be dumped on. Likewise, we should be mindful that we don't take our ownfrustrations out on others. When we take ownership of our thoughts, motivations,desires, and feelings, we are less likely to project our issues or disownedqualities onto others.

new music friday

well, who woulda thunk it that it would have taken me this long to post this to my "new music friday." but it did.... Trey Anastasio "Shine." It's not bad, i have listened to it about 4 times and it is growing on me each time. I like the first track "Shine" and track two is "Tuesday," i like that one too. Sweet Dreams Melinda is one that i have heard before and i enjoy that song as well. It is a bit "poppier" than i would have hoped, but it's still worth a listen!! Enjoy!! Trey is a jedi master, so can't complain too much!!

A Gift Of The Heart

i received this via email - i thought it was nice...
Letting People Know You Love Them

It's easy to take our feelings for granted and to assume that the people we careabout know how we feel about them. But while those we love are often quitecognizant of our feelings, saying "I love you" is a gift we should give to ourloved ones whenever we can. Letting people know you love them is an importantpart of nurturing any kind of loving relationship. Few people tire of being toldthey are loved, and saying "I love you" can make a world of difference insomeone's life, take a relationship to a new level, or reaffirm and strengthen asteady bond. Everyone needs to hear the words "I love you." Three simplewords - I - Love - You. When you declare your love for someone you admit to themthat you care for them in the most significant way.

It can be difficult to express your love using words, particularly if you grewup around people that never expressed their affection verbally. But you shouldnever be afraid to say "I love you" or worry that doing so will thrust you intoa position of excessive vulnerability. It is important to share your feelingswith those that matter to you. Part of the fulfillment that comes with lovingsomeone is telling them that you love them. Besides, love exists to beexpressed, not withheld.

If you love someone, let them know. Don't be afraid of the strength of youremotions or worry that your loved one won't feel the same way. Besides, thewords "I love you" are often best said to another without expectation of areturn investment. As each one of us is filled with an abundance of love, thereis never any worry that you'll run out of love if your expression of love isn'tsaid back to you. Saying "I love you" is a gift of the heart sent directly viawords to the heart of a recipient. Even though it may not always look that way,love from the heart is an offering that is always unconditional and givenwithout strings attached. That is the true essence of the gift of "I love you."

moe.

been on a moe. kick lately... i have seen them live 7 times, and they put on a great show... here are some lyrics of one of my favorite moe. songs...

She Sends Me - moe.

She thinks of John Travolta on the same day as me
She even likes artichoke hearts like me
She likes corn
corn on the cob
she eats cornflakes before she goes to her job

well shes an artist, shes got everything she needs
shes very modest got a bruise on her knee
shes got a mole on her back
its hairy and black
shes got a butt like a pillow and she likes to wear black

Chorus:
well i wanna be her hero
wanna be her man
well i wanna be her lover
any way i can
and i wanna be her friend
and im doing all i can
cuz i love her little smiles
and all the letters she sends
she sends me

Shes a dopey little girl and her names not nancy
in her own little world her names diane
She likes to play piano
Love to hear her play
She likes to talk to me
i love to hear her say

she loves me a whole freakin lot
she loves me a whole freakin lot
she loves me a whole freakin lot
oh she loves me a whole freakin lot

fucking drama

God, i hate unnecessary drama... it's such bullshit... went thru 12 hours of it yesterday, and now it's starting again today... For fuck sake, grow up people...

weekend update

to sum it up in two words...

it sucked

with that, i'm spent

some lyrics for the day

haven't posted lyrics in a while, but i like this song, david byrne is a friggin genius... i like the lyrics... they touched my heart, mind and soul

This Must Be the Place (naive melody) - Talking Heads - Stop Making Sense - 1984
Home is where I want to be
Pick me up and turn me round
I feel numb - born with a weak heart
I guess I must be having fun
The less we say about it the better
Make it up as we go along
Feet on the ground
Head in the sky
It's ok I know nothing's wrong . . nothing

Hi yo I got plenty of time
Hi yo you got light in your eyes
And you're standing here beside me
I love the passing of time
Never for money
Always for love
Cover up and say goodnight . . . say goodnight

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
I come home - she lifted up her wings
Guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from another
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time Before we were born
If someone asks, this where I'll be . . . where I'll be

Hi yo We drift in and out
Hi yo sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead
Eyes that light up, eyes look through you
Cover up the blank spots
Hit me on the head Ah ooh

Merry Christmas!!

I wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! Be safe, enjoy your family and friends, and relax... Spread the love and joy that you have in your heart and make sure to let those people that are special to you know that they are loved!!

Happy Holidays!

new music friday

today's new music is courtesy of paul, again... Wilco, Kicking Television Live in Chicago. This is a great disc... took me a couple of listens before i started to dig it, but i do. It's a 2 disc set and quite enjoyable. I have heard of Wilco, and a lot of people out there like them. I never had an opportunity to listen to them, so, i was pretty pleased at my first listen!

bring on the xanax!!!

well, i finally broke down, had to do it, and made an appointment at the doctor about my anxiety, panic and stress... so, here's hoping that the prescription will be for xanax!! i have had that before, and boy o boy is it lovely... all i know is that i can't continue to have these panic/anxiety attacks. I had 2 in less than 12 hours yesterday. Now, granted, working 85 hours a week may have something to do with it, because i am exhausted, but that will go away soon... i hope...

so, mr. doctor man, load me up with some zanies and make me chill...

edit - it is adivan... here's hoping it works!

gypsy's, tramps and thieves... aka, liars, cheaters and stealers

let me preface this by saying - this is a GENERAL observation, not pointed at anyone in particular

I absolutely fucking hate it when i am lied to... almost more than anything... of course, being cheated on ranks up there as well, but being lied to is the absolute. Don't spout honesty and being open to me if you are going to be a hypocrite about it... GOD, I'M SALTY!!! Where does the "stealing" fit in? You are stealing my trust if you are lying to me... for fuck sake, be honest with me.... i don't care, i would rather get my feelings hurt or get upset NOW rather than be led down a path of lies and deceit...

ok, i feel better now

daily OM - i got this via email today... interesting...

Beings Of Light
Human Angels

During each of our journeys, there are those inevitable moments when someone comes into our life at precisely the right time and says or does precisely the right thing. Their words or actions may help us perceive ourselves more clearly, remind us that everything will turn out for the best, help us cope, or see us through difficult situations. These people are human angels - individuals designated by the universe to be of service to those in need at specific points in time. Some human angels make a commitment before their births to make a positive contribution to the world at a particular moment. Others were chosen by the universe. All human angels, however, come into our lives when we least expect them and when we can most benefit from their presence.

A few of the human angels we may encounter are in professions where helping others is an everyday occurrence. But most of them are regular people, going about their daily lives until called upon to be in the right place at the right time to bring peace, joy, help, or heal someone when they most need it. You may have met a human angel in the form of a teacher who gave you a piece of advice that touched your soul and influenced your path. The person that momentarily stopped you to say hello on the street, delaying you long enough to avoid an oncoming car or a collision, is also a human angel. They may offer nothing more than a kind word or a smile, but they will offer it when you can draw the most strength and support from their simple action.

You may be a human angel yet not know it. Your fate or intuition may guide you toward other people's challenging or distressing situations, leading you to infer that you simply have bad luck. But recognizing yourself as a human angel can help you deal with the pain you see and understand that you are there to help and comfort others during their times of need. Human angels give of their inner light to all who need it, coming into our lives and often changing us forever. Their task has its challenges, but it is they that have the power to teach, bring us joy, and comfort us in times of despair.

weekend update...

*note - I wrote most of this at work last night...

Well, tis the season, or so they say! I worked all weekend, and it appears to have FINALLY gotten busy. It seems to get later and later every year. It's unfortunate, but it seem that the real "reason for the season" has been lost. Christmas has turned into a "Hallmark Holiday." I was talking to a customer today who told me she got her mom a 3 carat diamond necklace for Christmas. Then her mom told her, "I don't care what you get me, just don't get me jewelry." So, my customer proceeds to find out that mom and dad want a 43" flat screen plasma TV for their kitchen. I asked my customer, "did you take the necklace back?" No, I'm going to give her that too. Basically, what i am trying to get at is that the cost of one of those gifts would pay off my car. The holiday has moved into a "what can i get bigger and better than i did last year?" thing. It's sad, really. I joke with my kids and tell them that all they are getting for Christmas is love, but honestly, what's wrong with that? Nothing, as far as i'm concerned.

Spent some time with friends on Saturday night. Played some poker. For those of you that know how to play Texas Hold'em, you will appreciate this story. Six players to start 4.5 hours later, down to a heads up match between me and another player. He has the chip lead, but not by much. So, pocket cards come, and i have a pair of kings. MONSTER HAND!! I'm first to act, so, i go all in. Who wouldn't?? My opponent calls. We flip the cards over, my kings are BEAUTIFUL vs. his Queen, 5 off suit. Flop comes, it's like, 9, Q, 7. Oh crap, he's now got a pair of queens, but i still have him beat. Here comes the turn... no help for either of us, i'm still favored. It's time for the river... a flippin' Queen on the river!! Trip Queens!! My monster just got beat! Bad beat, but what can you do? Fortunes are won and lost on the river every day... thank God that my loss was only $5!! Anyway, win or lose, it was fun! Haven't played in 6 months, so it was a good time!

As i sit here at work waiting for the store to close in a half an hour, i realize how much money the company wastes. I can't imagine that the sale out weigh labor costs alone. I haven't had a customer in over two hours, but i stand here writing this, making $8.25 an hour, but bringing nothing in. Easy money, yes, but such a waste.

Well, it's now monday, and it's been a HORRIBLE morning, so i guess i should get back to work... have a great day!!

new music friday

today's music is courtesy of paul... again... Living Things. Man, this is a great rocking disc... different feel to it, but very good... been compared to nevermind, but i didn't hear that... but then again, haven't listened to that disc in many years... but check it out, it's a good one!

growth

it amazes me sometimes when we realize we have grown... when we see the forest thru the trees and all that bollocks... when we realize that yeah, what happened sucked, but it was for the best...

as i read thru "his" blog and see his current post, i am heartbroken that it all came down to that... i cry as i scroll down the screen reading the story... yes, i think of him often, i think of the kids... do i love him... yeah, i do, i always will, in some way... like my ex-husband, i was with him for more than 1/2 my life, yeah, i still love him too... but it's not "that" kind of love anymore... not for either of them... it is truly a love based around friendship and caring...

so, as i am reading his story, i'm sitting here at the library with tears streaming down my face... but the flip side of it is, i know that it's because he has someone better suited for him to deal with what he is going thru than i was... i am truly happy for him that he has heidi in his life... now, 6 months ago, this definitely wouldn't have been the case, but i have learned and i have grown, and that's what life is all about, right? learning from our experiences...

so, my hope is that it all works out for him.... but my BIG hope is that what i have learned will carry over into the next relationship that i have and i can make that one bigger and better and be the best i can be...

baby it's cold outside

well... yeah, so anyway... not much going on... except we have a buttload of snow and it's starting to get icy now...

all these jobs are wearing me out, but i'm enjoying it, i must say... even had some time to have a date recently... went and saw a movie, chronicles of narnia, that was really good...

anyway, i thought i would post, just cuz, for no other reason but that...

have a good one

new music friday

today's new music is courtesy of Phatty D... it's the new My Morning Jacket, Z. I really enjoyed the first My Morning Jacket that I have, It Still Moves, but this one is good too. It's very different from the first on that i have. Check it out, completely different feel....

miscellaneous crap

it's been a while since i posted and i thought i would make a quick entry... life has been very busy... part time jobs, full time jobs, holidays, birthdays... been crazy lately...

my baby girl just turned 19 on saturday, so we went to see the movie Rent. we both enjoyed it, although i must say, katie wasn't quite sure how to "take" a musical... but it was very enjoyable.

worked a bunch lately... although business is a bit slow right now, it's fun, all the same. they have me working 35 hours a week for the next two weeks at my part time job, so i should pretty much be about ready to drop come christmas.

had a date, been a while, and it was a lot of fun, hoping that we can do it again sometime...

working now, lunch is over, so time to go... everyone be safe...

new music friday

Season's Greetings, with a hippie flair... it's "Season's Greetings from moe." I really like moe. quite a bit, i have seen them live 7 times and they put on a great show! Not many "jambands" do holiday discs, so this is kind of special... if you would like to hear a different twist on some holiday tunes, plus some original holiday tunes, check it out!!

movie review

My friend Debbie and i went to see the movie "Jarhead" last night... man, it was good! The movie is based on former Marine Anthony Swofford's best-selling 2003 book about his pre-Desert Storm experiences in Saudi Arabia and about his experiences fighting in Kuwait. My ex-husband is a former Jarhead, so watching this movie brought back many memories of when he was in Desert Shield/Storm. Jake Gyllenhaal and Jamie Foxx did a great job, plus, i must say the Marines in the movie looked damned good in uniform!! =)

new music friday

thanks to Eric who gave me this one... kind of surprising, as eric likes a lot of rap music and when he told me about this disc, i was skeptical, to say the least, but here it is... Deltron 3030. This is the guy that does the "rap" on the original Gorillaz cd... it's really good and i was very surprised... check it out...

Happy Thanksgiving!

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving as I will be without a computer until Friday! This is my favorite holiday, it's not "commercialized" like the majority of the holidays. This to me is a "true" holiday. Plus the food is incredible!!

Everyone be safe and enjoy your friends and family...

a message to you...

i hate to see adam put the books away.... good luck on d-day... been a long time coming...

hope you are doing well

bloody hell

katie and i went to see harry potter and the goblet of fire this weekend! i was so excited to see it, i think more so than some kids out there... the movie was good, but will require a second viewing, as it was kind of confusing at times... but overall, very good... there was more humor in this movie than the others, and i like that!! go see it! it's good!!!

my mom

my mom had a stroke on friday... it wasn't a "major" stroke, it was considered a "mini-stroke" but in my eyes, a stroke is a stroke... i spent most of the night at the hospital, and after many visits by the doctor on saturday, they decided it was ok for her to go home on aspirin therapy and a trip to the neurologist as a follow up. my mom works way too hard, practically killing herself because she is a dedicated employee, she works two jobs and gives 110% at each one... i wish they would have kept her in the hospital a bit longer, if for no other reason except she needs her rest.

now, allow me to go off on a rant here for a moment... i was at work on friday when this happened (at full time job) and was scheduled to work at my part-time job until midnight. so, i let my boss know at 330 on friday that mom needed to go to the doctor, as she was feeling "funny" and didn't want to drive herself, as she was disoriented. i informed him that i may need to leave to take her. i was scheduled to get off work at 5pm. my bosses response? "well, what time does your shift end?" i inform him at 5pm. he says "i guess that will be ok, no need to make up your hours." i was a bit honked off at this point, but i let it go. when the doctor called me and told me that she needed to be transported to the ER, i left, 10 minutes early.

I call my part-time job and say "i have to take my mom to the ER, as she has had a stroke. I'm scheduled to work 715-1215, so depending on what happens at the ER, i may be late, or i may not be in at all. This was at 510pm that i called and talked to our HR manager. i get a phone call at 900 from the gal in my department at work, wanting to know where i was. i call her back and explain what happened, how mom was being admitted into the hospital. her response was "i was told you were going to be late, that you went to dinner with your mom." Uhhh, no. so, now, i had to call my department manager on saturday to explain what happened. all she could say was "well, i was told you were going to dinner." not a "omg, is she ok?" not a "i'm sorry to hear that." not a "i'm sorry for the confusion." what ever happened to common courtesy? has running a business made EVERYONE out there turn into cold, heartless people? i guess so... i guess i'm old school and i am concerned for people. I don't know, but the whole situation pissed me off...

mom is now home from the hospital and doing well. she has rested most of the past two days, so that's good, but she is off to work tomorrow. the things we put our bodies through... it's crazy...

new music friday

Today's new music is getting the bottom of my new music list... i'm running out, so more than likely, unless i get something new this week, i will start recycling some of my current music that you may or may not know about...

This week, it's the White Stripes - Get Behind Me Satan. I really like this CD, track 5, Little Ghost is my favorite. Never knew the White Stripes except for what i had heard on the radio a few times, but after hearing this disc, i want to hear more!!

thanks paul...

poker wisdom for the day

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

Anonymous

hello, my name is lucy and i am a hippie

today, someone asked me why i like phish. I responded with "do you have all day?"

here is just a brief excerpt of my response to question...

phish means so much to me, and is even more special, because my friend matt turned me on to it, and he has since passed away, so everytime i listen to farmhouse, i get weepy. everytime i watch bittersweet motel, i want to cry. the joy i get listening to this band is incredible. the first time i saw bittersweet motel, i compared it to a religious experience, i was so moved.
i can get "high" off the music, i don't need anything else to help get me there.... the music is so happy, it's always there for you, good times and bad times... it has soul, and feeling and emotion... i love it...

i love phish and... phish!

i just watched the coolest thing...

and it made me smile and giggle soooooo much....

those of you that know me know that my favorite band in the whole world called it quits last year, it saddened me to no end... Phish... well, trey played and mike came out and they did an acoustic version of a phish song...

here's the link to the video... there were some lyrical flubs, but who the hell cares... it's the boys doing what they do and it made me smile...

ahhh, phish... you make me so happy!!!

http://s55.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=31I1ATEGPYALU08JF6DY0T1AO1

it confuses me...

The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures and instructions for dancing
But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything

Peter Gabriel - Book of Love - excerpt

yes, it is confusing, but if you find the right one, then it all makes sense... hopefully it will all be clear... one of these days...

new music friday

today's installment is not the "norm" for me, but i like it! Gorillaz "Demon Days." Track 6, Feel Good, Inc. is pretty good, but my favorite it track 10, All Alone. You should check it out some time... it's worth it!

Smoothing Transitions

10 Steps To Making Change Easier

1. Begin by making small changes or break up large-scale changes into more manageable increments. This can make you feel better about handling the changes you are about to make while making you more comfortable with change in general.

2. Mentally link changes to established daily rituals. This can make changes like taking on a new habit, starting a new job, or adapting to a new home happen much more smoothly. For example, if you want to begin meditating at home, try weaving it into your morning routine.

3. Going with the flow can help you accept change instead of resisting it. If you stay flexible, you will be able to ride out change without too much turbulence.

4. When a change feels most stressful, relief can often be found in finding the good that it brings. An illness, a financial loss, or a broken relationship can seem like the end of the world, yet they also can be blessings in disguise.

5. Remember that all change involves a degree of learning. If you find change particularly stressful, try to keep in mind that after this period of transformation has passed, you will be a wiser person for it.

6. Remember that upheaval and confusion are often natural parts of change. While we can anticipate certain elements that a change might bring, it is impossible to know everything that will happen in advance. Be prepared for unexpected surprises, and the winds of change won't easily knock you over.

7. Don't feel like you have to cope with changing circumstances or the stress of making a change on your own. Talk about what's going on for you with a friend or write about it in a journal. Sharing your feelings can give you a sense of relief while helping you find the strength to carry on.

8. Give yourself time to accept any changes that you face. And as change happens, recognize that you may need time to adjust to your new situation. Allow yourself a period of time to reconcile your feelings. This can make big changes feel less extreme.

9. No matter how large or difficult a change is, you will eventually adapt to these new circumstances. Remember that regardless of how great the change, all the new that it brings will eventually weave itself into the right places in your life.

10. If you're trying to change a pattern of behavior or navigate your way through a life change, don't assume that it has to be easy. Wanting to cry or being moody during a period of change is natural. Then again, don't assume that making a change needs to be hard. Sometimes, changes are meant to be that easy.

friggin' idiot!

yep, that's me! i thought that after 5 months, i would be ok... funny, still haven't cried... but yeah, so, i'm not ok... i had the knife go ripping thru my heart AGAIN tonight... why? cuz he posted about the new girlfriend on his blog... picture and all... it fucking killed me... why? because, yes, i still think about him... and not in the "omg, i wish we could be together" way, but in the "i wonder how he's doing" way... a lot of people won't believe that, but it's true... we were friends at the start of all of this and now we aren't... i have said before on this blog, numerous times, that my friends mean the world to me, i can't just turn that off...

i don't know, i guess with everything i went thru for him, i don't even get an honorable mention? maybe i am just as bad as the soon to be (or maybe now) ex-wife? i don't know... but omg, the hurt that i feel right now is unbearable...

whatever...

weekend update

i started my 2nd. part time job this weekend. It was fun... just like riding a bike, i haven't done "retail" since 1997, and it all came back to me, really quickly, so this should be a good thing. Except for the fact that i haven't had a day off from all 3 jobs so far for the month, and probably won't get one until thanksgiving at the earliest... but here is hoping this can get me out of the financial mess i'm in right now. I'm mentally and physically exhausted right now, and that's not helping. It's amazing what stress does to you... it's my weekly monday anxiety attack... gotta love it!!

whoa - this is harsh...true, but harsh

"Whether he likes it or not, a man's character is stripped bare at the poker table; if the other poker players read him better than he does, he has only himself to blame. Unless he is both able and prepared to see himself as others do, flaws and all, he will be a loser in poker, as in life."

- Anthony Holden

new music friday

most of you that know me will be surprised by today's selection... it's a gospel cd, with a "hippie" flair... Ben Harper with the Blind Boys of Alabama. This disc is so nice, it's hard to explain. I do like Ben Harper... and everything i have heard from Blind Boys of Alabama has been great. So, if you get a chance, check it out... it's quite enjoyable.

poker humor

"last night i stayed up late playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

steven wright

things you can count on...

as i got ready for another weekend, i was driving home and saw all the beautiful leaves on the trees. it's funny that something that "dies" every year, looks so beautiful. it made me think about the things that you can always count on... like the leaves changing. they will change every year, and they will be beautiful. The first snowfall of the year is always beautiful too, until all the "everyday life" gets it all dirty. The joy i see on my baby girl's face when i see her is something i can always count on as well. The unconditional love that you have for a child and they have for you. You may not always like each other, but you will always love them.

so the weekend came and went. i had my baby this weekend, so it was nice... watched some movies, nothing spectacular, and cleaned my room... brought in all the "winter clothes" and packed away all the summer ones. very exciting...

today is my mom's birthday... she is 59 years old today. She took the day off from one of her jobs, so she is having lunch with her best friend. That's what it's all about, having a friend that you have had forever. i realized over the past few months that i have ONE friend, that i still stay in contact with, that i have had for over 20 years. He is a great friend too... i don't have many friends, and the ones that i have, i cherish...

that's something you can count on too... a great friend that is always there for you... thank you!

what i want... one of these days i will be this....

I wanna be the surgeon that cuts you open
and fixes all of life's mistakes
I wanna be the house that you were raised in
the only place that you feel safe
I wanna be your shower in the morning
that wakes you up and makes you clean
I know I'm just the weather against your window
as you sleep through a winter's dream

bright eyes - ship in a bottle - (excerpt)

new music friday

Today's new music is lovely... G. Love "The Hustle" G. Love does a lot of stuff with Jack Johnson, who i really enjoy. This is a great disc, upbeat and fun!! Thanks Paul, yet again... believe it or not, paul and i are starting to run outta music!! O no!! I think i might need to switch to "old music friday" and bust out some oldies but goodies... i think i might do that!

weekend update...

it was a great weekend... i had absolutely NOTHING to do all weekend... it was sooo nice... i actually slept in on Saturday, and then proceeded to take a 5 hour nap! quite an exciting life i lead, huh?? I watched some good movies this weekend... I saw "crash" which i highly recommend to anyone... it was great... i watched the entire first 2 seasons of seinfeld, rounders, again, ocean's 12 and the whole 10 yards... it was a great weekend... plus, i watched shaun, AGAIN! speaking of, look what my daughter bought me this weekend... just gotta get it framed now!!

new music

this week, i must thank Phatty for this one... i really like this cd, better than "clone." I will have to say, it has the most original cover of "sweet emotion" i have ever heard... it's mellow, it's folky, but it's good... if you ever get a chance to see these guys live, i would highly recommend it!! Gotta love the cactus....

i'm wiped...

so, i started my part time job last night, and had the BEST time! i had more fun in 7 hours in a video store than i did in the past year at my full time job! it has been over a year since i worked at the video store, but it was just like riding a bike... i remembered everything... had great conversation with the customers, a lot of it was about zombies, since Land of the Dead just came out (so, thanks Ben for all the info!!) i had the best time... plus, i get my free rentals back!! HOOT!!!

i'm a reposter

ok, yeah, so "he" posted an excerpt of this song, but it was a different verse... this pretty much sums up my life existence over the past few weeks... i'm drowning right now... not much else to say....

Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is fucked
Everybody sux
You don't really know why
But want justify
Rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherfucker
It's just one of those days!!

limp bizkit - break stuff (excerpt)

fun tuesday

it’s “Fun Tuesday” at work, gee, loads of fun, I tell ya. Let’s humiliate people and make them feel bad for 8 hours. Oh, and let’s tell them “you can’t do any work today, cuz it’s Fun Tuesday” so because of that, we get to work extra hours to make up the work that we couldn’t get done because we were being humiliated all day. Funny, not quite my idea of a fun day at work.

I start my first of two part time jobs tomorrow. I figure between the 3 jobs, I will be working between 80-90 hours a week. Hopefully it will get me out of the hole that I am in, if not, I’ll just slit my wrists now… good thing I don’t have a social life, cuz if I did, it would be over.

So, now that my “scheduled” fun Tuesday is over, I can now sit down and do some work…when can we have fun Wednesday? I hope never.

new music friday

today's installment of new music friday is yet another artist that paul turned me on to... Elliott Smith... this is kinda "emo" rock... i enjoy it though... the first track "Speed Trials" is really good, along with "Pictures of Me," these are my favorite tracks on the disc... check it out... Either/Or

all i gotta say

I H T F P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

for fuck sake... how hard is it to look at someone's schedule before you schedule a meeting? Apparently pretty hard. This is 3 months in a row that my accountability (i.e. bitchability) meeting has been scheduled on my day off. Now, granted i don't have much of a life, but if it's my day off, then it's my day off. So, for the past 3 months, i have had to come in on my day off to basically get my ass chewed...

FYIQ!

there's the rub...

mike - "So, it's like a retro active decision then? I mean, I could, like, forget about her. And then when she comes back, make like I just pretended to forget about her?"

rob - "Right, although probably more likely the opposite."

mike - "What do you mean?"

rob - "I mean, at first you're gonna pretend to forget about her. Not call her, I don't know, whatever. But then eventually, you really will forget about her."

mike - "Well, unless she comes back first."

rob - "Mmm, see, that's the thing. Somehow they know not to come back until you really forget."

mike - "There's the rub."

rob - "There's the rub."

from the movie Swingers

so, you ask, why this scene from the movie? What’s going on in your life that requires this post? Well, here’s the thing… I just recently dated someone for a few weeks… it was good, but it’s over, the closer I came to making this a relationship, the more I thought about “him.” We (he and I) had closure, kind of… but there are so many things that I want to know…such as did the divorce ever become final? Did the custody agreement ever get settled? Are you still taking a trip at the end of this month for work? How are the kids? Are you happy and doing well? Did you ever get the plumbing and electric fixed? I don’t know, just been thinking about him a lot lately, and it really sucks, because it had been 3 months since the break up and I was ready to move on and BAM… so, why this scene? Because… there’s the rub…

weekend update...

It was a relatively slow weekend… I was off on Friday, so just watched a bunch of movies. I watched “Hide and Seek,” which was pretty good, kind of predictable, but not too bad. Then I watched “The Girl Next Door” which was really good!! Completely inappropriate subject matter, but let’s be honest, I am the Queen of inappropriateness so it didn’t bother me!! Then the next movie I watched was “Swimming Pool.” I have seen this before, but fell asleep at the last ½ hour of the movie, so I finally got around to watching the movie again. Great flick. I’m glad I finally finished it!! Then, I watched Shaun, AGAIN!! (those of you that have seen the movie, will get that reference!!)

Saturday led me to work then out to dinner with my friend Dave from Chicago. He will be moving back to Chicago at the end of this week… so sad… gonna miss him! We went to Chili’s and it was SOOOOO good… plus, had new beer (for me) Blue Moon Belgian Wheat Ale…. O M G, SOOOOOOO tasty… got a bit of a buzz at dinner, then made a stop at Friar Tuck’s and got some more… then went home and drank some more… felt goooooood!!

Sunday led me to work as well. This was my first Sunday since we have been open. It was alright. Went to dinner with a friend of mine, then home… stayed up watching tv way too long, got to bed at 1am… ugh…

So, here it’s Monday, and guess what happened? Anxiety/Panic attack on the way to work. I just can not stand being in this place. The boss just comes up and asks “can you add some excitement to that board? Maybe make it kind of exciting?” WTF ever….

O well, tomorrow is another day, right?

haven't posted lyrics in a while...

so, it's been one of them weeks... very emotional... remembering things that i wish i could forget... stupid stuff that comes up in movies or things that just make me say "awww shit, damn it, why does this have to remind me of....." well, all that being said, this is from a previous post about the coldplay dvd... the song "yellow"... trust me, i'm doing my best not to slip back into that spot, but damn, it's hard...

Yellow - Coldplay
Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah they were all yellow,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
Oh all the things I've done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know for you i bleed myself dry
For you i bleed myself dry

Its true look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine for you
look how they shine
look at the stars look how they shine for you

a HUGE thank you

to paul from work... i have had the BEST time lately sharing new music with him... he has given me some artists that i never heard of, and i have turned him on to some as well... this has been great!! Thanks Paul!!

new music friday

sorry for the delay in today's post, but no more internet access at home and i'm off work today... alas, here i sit at the library... anywho... new music friday!! Donovan Frankenreiter!! this disc is incredible!! it has a very "jack johnson" feel to it, and actually has jack featured on one of the songs! my favorite is butterfly.... it's a great background music cd and is just very mellow and chill... thanks paul!!

freedom of speech my ass...

So, I’m sitting in a meeting today, when one of my co-workers says “I come in early everyday and people bother me because they can’t find any other supervisors to help them. I tell them, “I can’t help you because I’m not here yet; you are going to have to find someone else.” Then they say they can’t find anyone else and I end up not getting my work done, because I end up helping them.”

My response was “I feel your pain, for the past two weeks I have basically worked open to close when I get off work at 5, but I can tell you that I end up taking sup calls, helping with errors and dealing with issues from 5-9 because they can’t find anyone either. I am not staying to do this crap, I’m staying to get my work done because I can’t seem to get it done during the day, and because the reps KNOW they can come to me. The problem is, until ALL OF US IN THIS ROOM decide we are going to work as a team, then this situation is never going to change. The reps will continually come to me or Suzie or Johnny or whoever, because they know they can, because we will take care of the issue for them. The only way to be able to come in on our own time and get stuff done without being interrupted is for us to work as a team.”

Well, apparently I offended some people. I can’t imagine that stating a fucking fact of how it works on the floor is offensive to some people. I have been told that I shouldn’t speak my mind. Well, damn it; this has been an ongoing issue since I hit the floor a year ago. No one is doing anything about it. You take it to management and they give you a shitload of lip-service about how “well, we are working on it, we know it’s an issue” but no one is doing anything about it. So, I say something and now I have been banned from speaking? Fuck that.

memory dam

Today I watched the Coldplay “Live 2003” dvd. This opened up a floodgate of memories for me. Not Coldplay memories, per say, but memories. I wish I could say they were good memories, but they weren’t.

The first memory that came flooding back was that as soon as I put the dvd in and it started, the first thing I thought was “Shit, this reminds me of the Cure.” As I continued to watch, the more it reminded me, so, you would think, a smart person would have turned it off…. But NOOOOOOO… Miss Glutton for Punishment here continued to watch, hoping that something would break the “I don’t want to think about him when I watch this” spell… negative, didn’t happen…

So, what happens next? “Yellow” comes on. I love that song, but again, not good memories. “Yellow” played a huge part of my “depression years.” “Yellow” was one of the songs that I would listen to when I wanted to die… “Yellow” made me cry….

So, won’t be watching this DVD anymore…

forever....

haven't you ever just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up? that's all i have wanted all weekend... i'm sick, i'm stressed out, i'm miserable, i'm broke.... i spent most of my day yesterday in the ER due to not being able to breathe, which of course, adds to the stress level, the misery level and the broke level. now it's monday and i get to go to a job that i absolutely despise.... great.... i just want to go back to sleep and stay that way...

jedi master

Happy Birthday to Trey Anastasio!!! Celebrating 41 years melting our brains with an amazing guitar...
trey truly is a jedi master...

new music friday

typically when paul gives me discs to listen to, i don't listen till i get home, but this one, i was SO excited about, i couldn't help myself... i have the DVD of this, but now, thanks to Paul, i have the Bonnaroo 2002 2 disc CD!! Man o Man... I had to stop everything, put in disc 2, listen to moe. Captain America, then go to paul and thank him right away.... very exciting stuff... the whole two discs are amazing... some of the artists are also on the dvd doing the same songs, but overall an incredible two discs... Panic's "Tall Boy" with Dottie Peoples is enough to get any skeptic's feet moving, and Les Claypool's cover of Aqualung's "Locomotive Breath" is masterful. Galactic's "Tiger Roll" has turned me into a fan, and John Butler's "Pickapart" has made me want to hear more... basically, i highly recommend taking a listen... yes, it's 3 years old, but music doesn't age... it just keeps getting better and better....

hippies rule!!

finally watched "Festival Express" today... man, what a time was had on this train ride... if you appreciate music, i suggest having a viewing...

movie review... a short one..

i watched "lords of dogtown" today... it was really good! Heath Ledger did a great job, almost at the Val Kilmer as Jim Morrison point of greatness... true story this movie is... it was very cool.. i suggest the rental...

blah...

i'm home sick today... first time in a long time i have actually been sick... i am flippin miserable... damn i love the midwest.... someone get me outta here... stat!

weekend update

Morning pholks…

Well, it was a nice weekend… I had my baby girl on Friday night, which was lovely; we watched Napoleon Dynamite and Office Space, two very good movies!!

Saturday led me to a double date, which was so much fun… we went to dinner with Katie, then to a cookout, then to the double date part, we went bowling! I haven’t bowled in years, so it was really a great time! Good company and good times, so all around a great Saturday!

Sunday brought me to work… again… got a lot done, but damn, this is 4 or 5 Sundays in a row… with no pay, mind you! Now, we have found out just TONS of good news at work over the past two weeks… change in bonus structure leaves me short $500 each month, which, not sure how to make that work… really sucks… Then we find out that we are now open on Sundays!! Great news! So, the only day I could come in to work to get things done, uninterrupted, is now gone. Do we get anything extra for working Sunday? Nope, not a thing. Do we get a shift differential for working Sunday? Nope not at all. Just one more thing that makes me say I H T F P!! (figure that one out!)

So, here is to a better week…

inspiration for a friday....

an internet friend of mine talks a lot about this book "The Power of Now" and how it has helped him change the way he thinks about things... i have not read the book yet, but i have heard nothing but good things about it... here is a bit of review on the book....

Ekhart Tolle's message is simple: living in the now is the truest path to happiness and enlightenment. And while this message may not seem stunningly original or fresh, Tolle's clear writing, supportive voice, and enthusiasm make this an excellent manual for anyone who's ever wondered what exactly "living in the now" means. Foremost, Tolle is a world-class teacher, able to explain complicated concepts in concrete language. More importantly, within a chapter of reading this book, readers are already holding the world in a different container--more conscious of how thoughts and emotions get in the way of their ability to live in genuine peace and happiness.

so, on my message board www.truephans.com yesterday, one of our members made a comment about "now" and i really liked it... he said - "now" doesn't mean not preparing. If you can do something about your situation, do it, if not, don't let it take you away from "now."

let's live in the "now"... happy friday

new music friday

this isn't a new disc, but it's new to me... i really enjoy this disc... kinda folky, definitely has a "cactus" feel to it....thanks to phatty for hooking me up with it...

Leo Kottke and Mike Gordon - Clone

when you least expect it....

you never know what can happen... there is someone out there that surprises you... someone you didn't expect... gonna take it slow and enjoy the time right now... it's been nice so far....

short, sweet and to the point

money is the root of all things evil...

from the movie "hitch"

"life is not the amount of breaths you take. It's the moments that take your breath away."

watched a movie today...

big surprise there!! i tend to watch a lot of movies... anyway, i watched "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" today... it was pretty good... of course, it IS british, but it was a decent movie.. worth the rental anyway!!!

new music friday part 2

WOW... modest mouse - the moon & antarctica...thanks paul... 'nuff said

new music friday

many thanks AGAIN to paul for this cd!!! I will say that the majority of my "new music" is coming from paul right now and i am really diggin' it... he listens to alot of what i listen to, but has ALOT of stuff i don't, so this little music trading partnership is working out great... he turns me on to new music, i turn him on to new music... it's a wonderful musical friendship!!!

Kings of Leon - Aha Shake Heartbreak

damn...

i am in a shitty mood... don't know why, don't know what happened, but damn, i haven't been in a mood like this in a LONG time... thing is, katie is in one of them moods too... get the two o'neill women in moods like this at the same time, just equals a recipe for disaster... luckily, katie has a life, so off she went to her friends house... me, on the other hand blew off my boss's baby shower, cancelled a date, and flaked on my texas friends (on their last nite here)

gonna make some noodles, put on my jammies, watch Six Feet Under and go to bed...

tomorrow WILL bring a better disposition...

you know who you are....

i know you know... i still check it everyday to see if there are new posts, just to make sure you are doing ok and hanging in there.... wish i could be your friend and help you thru all of this... my thoughts are with you.... as you know, if you ever need anything, you know how to find me...

nerves...

i have a job interview today, and i'm quite nervous about it... it's for a position at a level i have never interviewed for before, Senior Operations Manager in Tucson, Arizona. It's hard to make that jump from being a supervisor to being the boss, particularly in the call center industry, but i figured what the heck, the worst they can do is say no, right? If anything, it's good experience... wish me luck

EDIT - well... it's over... thank God... i don't think i blew it, but i don't think i aced it either.... tucson is sounding really, really, really good right now...

pretty big claim...

those of you that know me, know that one of my FAVORITE movies is "Shaun of the Dead."

Well, i'm in the video store today, taking advantage of my free birthday rental and i see this movie: Dead and Breakfast "The U.S. answer to Shaun of the Dead"

we shall see...

EDIT - well, not even close to being the U.S. answer to Shaun of the Dead... first of all, these are probably the smartest zombies i have ever seen, they speak very clearly, no moaning (who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?) they don't lumber around... i mean, geez, everyone knows that zombies are either really slow or really fast, but not just a normal person with bad make up!! (thanks ben for the zombie lesson... at least i learned something!!) although i must say, Randall Keith Randall was pretty funny...

a time to reflect...

this past year has been nothing but hell, personally, professionally and financially. this past year has brought love and loss into my life more than i could have ever imagined. this past year has brought trouble with the law for a family member. this past year has brought a serious illness for a loved one. this past year has brought me the lack of trust. this past year has made me question myself, something i usually don't have to do. so, will i be glad to see my 37th. year pass? you bet your sweet bippy i will...

So, here is to 38... Cheers!

so much for going to bed early...

i have friends from el paso in town and they called tonite... "let's go out and party" they said... well, i was in my pj's, but i thought, "how often am i gonna be able to see friends from el paso while in peoria, illinois?" so, i went...

drank a little, danced a lot, but then.... "let's go to the strip club" came outta david's mouth... sure, let's go... i have never been, in all of my almost 38 years, never been to a tittie bar...

so, we went... and i must say, i was B O R E D as hell... i think that if i was there with "someone" (i.e. some attractive man that was into me as much as i was into him) then it woulda been COMPLETELY different... i mean, honestly, i can look at boobies all day in the mirror...

so, i have lost my "strip club" cherry.... kinda wish i could get it back!! :-)

went to a wedding reception tonite...

can't even remember the last time i have been to a wedding reception... i decided tonite though, if i ever get married again, all the music will be planned ahead of time...way too many slow songs being played... i understand the need for slow songs at a wedding, but to go from nelly to some sappy shania twain song to g&r is a bit of a stretch...

new music friday part 2

man, it's been a good week for music... thanks to lucas this time... nice jazzy/bluesy/jammy stuff here!!!

new music friday

wow... thanks much to paul for turning me on to THIS... check this one out... a bit "pop" and a bit "indie"... guest artists include EmmyLou Harris.... a lot of "real world" in this disc... you can get two free downloads at www.amazon.com I highly suggest taking a listen...

the band is Bright Eyes, the disc is "I'm Wide Awake It's Morning"

1. At The Bottom Of Everything - (with Jim James)

2. We Are Nowhere And It's Now - (with Emmylou Harris)

3. Old Soul Song (For The New World Order) - (with Emmylou Harris)

4. Lua

5. Train Under Water

6. First Day Of My Life

7. Another Travelin' Song

8. Landlocked Blues - (with Emmylou Harris)

9. Poison Oak

10. Road To Joy

perfect little pill when you've had one of those days

what a week...

man, no rest for the weary, i tell ya....

come back from 4 days off to a 4 day work week... sounds great, in theory... until you put in two 15 hour days back to back, with at least two more ahead of you.... then we find out today that they are changing our "bonus" structure... not a good thing, not at all... it will negatively effect 90% of our supervisors... great way to build morale, huh? then you got others such as myself that are busting our humps and not getting any recognition for it... thank God i updated my resume on monster!!

here's hoping the job fairy comes knocking my door.... somethings got to give, cuz this shit just ain't working....

long, lazy weekends part 3...

well, here it is, the end of the weekend... it was nice to do absolutely nothing all weekend, yet quite boring at the same time... figured i would update you all on my movie reviews for the rest of the movies i watched... i already did 2 of the last 5 rentals, they are listed in the previous post... so, here are the other two... plus, added another movie to the mix...

Team America - World Police - from the makers of South Park... i do believe that i will forever be haunted by the picture of puppets have sex in multiple positions... quite disturbing... although the theme song is etched in my brain forever!!!

Romper Stomper - this movie is incredible... this is the movie that started it all for Russell Crowe. It is very disturbing, in a kind of "jaw dropping" way... it's about skinheads in Australia... it truly is worth a viewing, although i must warn you now, it's shocking... even Katie said "wow, this is even a bit much for me" yeah, it is, but definitely worth the rental

The Shawshank Redemption - incredible movie... i see why so many people liked it... i think i may need to add this one to my collection...

The one that i added to the mix was in my top ten... Shaun of the Dead... now, those of you that know me, know this is one of my favorite movies... unfortunately, this movie has a history for me... i haven't been able to watch the whole movie in a while, until today....i made it all the way through! This movie kicks so much ass, if you haven't seen it, i highly recommend it... it's british, it's funny and it's about zombies!! A romantic comedy with zombies ... so, to quote Freddy Mercury in the "kill the queen" part:

Don't stop me know
i'm having such a good time
i'm having a ball

nite all... back to the old grind tomorrow!!

long, lazy weekends part 2...

well, i thought i would update on the movies i watched yesterday and the ones i rented today...

Saturday brought the following:

A Bronx Tale - Robert DeNiro's directorial debut - quite good actually - the movie was from like 1993 or something, but it was very good, nice mob action, bit of a love story, 2 thumbs up

Donnie Brasco - this was a good one - amazing to see how that life could suck someone in... johnny was great, al pacino, well, he is always good... very good movie... again, 2 thumbs up

Dead Poets Society - thoroughly enjoyed this movie, the power that a teacher has and the influence on kids lives is amazing... our teachers should be paid much more...i cried during part of it... very good, 2 thumbs up

Big Fish - katie and i watched this one together, we both cried during this one... very good movie... 2 big thumbs up

Casino - WOW - what a movie... i can't believe it took me this long to watch it... vegas and mob action, what a combination... excellent movie... 2 huge thumbs up

So, today took me back to hollywood video... here is what's on tap for today...

Secret Window, Traffic, Romper Stomper, The Shawshank Redemption and Team America World Police

I have seen Secret Window and Romper Stomper before... I got those mainly for Katie, as those were two that we will watch together.... so far i have watched two of the five

Secret Window - it sucked the first time i saw it, and sucked even more the second time... the only saving grace is that Johnny Depp looked smokin' hot in this movie... katie kept saying, i want to see it, i can't believe it's that bad... yeah, well, it is

Traffic - holy cow, what a movie... i remember working in the video store when it came out and we were always out of it... everytime i tried to rent it, it was out... now i see why... excellent movie

So, i have 3 to watch tomorrow... last day of my 4 days off... wish i had 4 more coming soon....

long, lazy weekends...

the last holiday weekend of summer is upon us... major plans? Nope, took friday thru monday off at work and i'm just getting ready to start round two of movies... looks like it will be many trips to the video store for me this weekend...which is just fine, since i'm actually utilizing the tool that is on www.hollywoodvideo.com. If you register with them and rate some movies, it will recommend movies for you to watch. Here is what i rented yesterday, and some of my recommendations for today:

Sahara - it was pretty good, based on a Clive Cussler book - i remember my ex hubby reading this book, he didn't like it when it was a collaboration between Clive and someone else and that's what this book was... but overall, decent movie... and Matthew McConaughey looks mighty fine without a shirt on!!!

A lot like love - the modern day "When Harry Met Sally" (on my top ten, harry is) - cute movie, but as we all know, it's a movie, things don't work out perfect in the real world... but worth the rental

Prozac Nation - wow, this was really good, based on the book by the author Elizabeth Wurtzel (sp) - excellent... so many people, myself included, have been or is on some type of anti-depressant - it's crazy really the hold that depression has on you... it's even crazier the lengths we go thru to try to hide it...

Sleepy Hollow - yes, i know, old movie, but damn, was it good... plus, it has johnny... and not only is he incredible to look at, he is a damned fine actor

Anchorman - ok, yeah, it was funny, but not all it was cracked up to be... there were some funny parts, and i was very excited to see Vince Vaughn in it... but other than that, i'm glad i rented it vs. going to see it in the theater

So, today's movies are all old ones, but i have never seen any of them... you can kind of tell, i'm on a "mob" kick:
Casino, Donnie Brasco, A Bronx Tale, Big Fish and Dead Poets Society

off to watch movies... have a happy and safe holiday weekend....

if you can, donate to www.redcross.org help out our fellow americans down in the gulf region...

one small step for man, one giant leap for...

LUCY! well, i did it... i put it out there... i said "hey, you know, i wouldn't mind if..."

we shall see....

so many appropriate sayings for today....

well, there are a couple of movie quotes that stick out to sum up the day...

"one hell of a morning has turned into a bitch of a day" - Romancing the Stone

"someone has a case of the Monday's" - Office Space

Although both quotes pretty much sum up my day... i think the way the day ended was the best... it's not a movie quote, it's song lyrics.. leave it to a hippie rasta man to sum it up...

Three Little Birds - Bob Marley - excerpt

Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

I have to believe... so, i'm not gonna worry about a thing... everything little thing IS gonna be alright....

here is to a positive week...

it was a good weekend! my friend todd, who is in the navy, came down friday nite to see me, had a few too many beers, stayed up a bit too late... saturday led me to sleeping in late, then going to see "Must Love Dogs" with my friend debbie... after that, i went to volunteer my time with "his" family at the chiefs game... man, did i have a good time doing that... it was busy, it was fun... made some new friends (hopefully!!), new poker buddies and enjoyed the company, after that 4 of us went to get some pizza.... it was nice to see his parents and his brother, as i don't get to see them anymore, and i do like his family... sunday left me laundry, and burning some shows for david... also let me watch some movies... (see below post) also watched "Swingers" and "The Shipping News"... i was pleased with my movie selections this weekend... this weekend also brought a lot of old acquaintances out of the woodwork... hopefully will be able to build on some old yet new again friendships... people i haven't heard from in over a year... who knows, maybe i just might meet someone.... ya never know....

damned hippie, get a haircut!!!

I watched "Hair" today... something i have wanted to see for a long time, but finally got around to it today... it was pretty good, i enjoyed it... would have loved to see the musical... great music, loved the story... so, i give it two thumbs up! My mom, then said "you watched Hair?" yep, sure did... i was so born at the wrong time....

new music (for me) friday

hmmm... this guy as some anger issues, appears to be pretty pissed off.... but i think i like it... will have to listen again when i am not interrupted... it's not a full thumbs up, maybe 1/2 way...

i'm salty!

oooh boy, i'm ready to rumble! so, as you know from reading this little blog of mine, i have decided it's time to get back out there and stick my toes in the water and start dating... ahhh, yes... allow me to say... IT SUCKS... but that's neither here nor there...

it's 2005, and yes, i have an online personal ad... i have two of them, actually... i do not pay for either of them, i do the "free" version of it...well, it's rare when you find someone out there that is 100% truthful about either themselves or what they are looking for....

so, i get this response from this guy tonite... he actually responded to my ad when i posted it a year ago... we talked a bit, but then i met "him" and yeah, so anyway, we all know how that turned out....

so, this guy sends me a message and i send back a note that says "look, i will be honest, i'm not sure what i am looking for, i got my heart broken by someone that wasn't honest with me, and i before we get any further, i want you to know that i am not sure what type of a relationship i want.. it may be friends, it may be more, who knows, but i just want to be honest."

well, he sends me this email about "how come all you women are looking for mr. perfect, how come you can't just be friends with someone"... i was like WAIT A TICK.... i'm trying to be honest about things and you go off on me... not only no, but HELL no....

his ass is blocked....

edit - 1000 pm - I WIN!!! he apologized! HA!

i dig music....

today, in the mail, came an old friend.... i lost this friend, as it was stolen when my car was broken into... i'm sure that after the culprits got to looking at all my cd's they went "wtf is this crap?!!?? Damned hippy!!"

this was one of the few phish cd's that i have that i didn't have on my hard-drive... mainly because i enjoy it so much, i never took it out of my car, i listened to it all the time... anywho, i got me a replacement copy... it came in today's mail... give it a try... you never know, you just might like it... i was a skeptic once too....

Phish - Slip Stitch and Pass recorded live in hamburg, germany 3/1/97

1. Cities

2. Wolfman's Brother

3. Jesus Left Chicago

4. Weigh

5. Mike's Song

6. Lawn Boy

7. Weekapaug Groove

8. Hello My Baby

9. Taste

it's hump day

and boy o boy am i ready for this week to be over! work has been pure hell lately, and it's getting to everyone there... we are all cranky, tired, and stressed...

the things your body goes thru when you are stressed is amazing... monday was panic attacks, tuesday brought migraines, today was stomach issues... gee, i wonder what tomorrow will bring? the thursday eye twitch? who knows... it's a free for all!!

so, i'm really looking forward to friday nite at 5pm... maybe i can talk one of my friends into going out for a beer... or two... or twelve...

here is to a better thursday....

one day at a time...

it's monday, a new week, seven new days for new and exciting things to happen... so, here's hoping that is the case...

i have a date tomorrow... i told katie about it, and she got all "katie" on me... i'm like, what's up with that? are you not happy for me? she said, the only reason why you are dating is to get back at him... no, that's not the reason at all... if that was the case, i would have slept with the first person that offered it after the break up... i would have went out with the first person that asked me... but i didn't do that... for a couple of reasons... first of all, i'm not trying to get back at anyone for any of this... secondly, it's time... it's been a couple of months now, so it's time to get back out there, and third, i needed to heal... i may not have healed 100%, but i'm a helluva lot better now than i was 8 weeks ago... i knew that jumping into something new right after all the hurt would be a bad thing, so, i took some time off... the next time i get into a relationship, i want to be able to leave all the "ben baggage" at the door.... i think that it's time, and that i can do that now...

wish me luck

new music

BUY THIS CD!!! Track #2, Mr. Brightside, is my current ringer on my phone! That song has a very "cake" feel to it. I wish i could be more music saavy, but i really like this cd!!!

morning pholks....

damn it's hot... the window unit in my room died, so just a fan... no fun to wake up sweating... now to wake up and get sweaty, that's a different thing... :-)

so, not much to talk about today, but have you ever been in a situation where you have this "vibe" coming off of someone.... there appears to be an attraction there... there is some flirtation there... you also are emitting a vibe... the same one... there appears to be some attraction, and there is some flirtation... thing is, you are both "fun" people, so because of that, you aren't sure if it's just a playing around thing or if it's a real "vibe." the other thing is, you just got hurt pretty flippin bad, so you don't want to get rejected again.... so, what's a gal to do? go out there and say "hey, you know, i think i might like you, wanna do something" or sit an wait for him to make the move?

i just don't know.... i do know it's too damned hot to think about it right now, so i won't...

happy saturday

Hi! It's me!

well, not only do i feel liberated, but i actually feel happy! Happy! wow, that's a term that hasn't come out of my mouth in a very long time... so, i thought that maybe it was time to show the world the new improved lucy... times are changing, it's in the air, i can feel it... can you?

i feel liberated!!

i don't know what it was, but something happened to me tonite... for the first time in many, many months, i feel like i can breathe again... and it feels soooooooo good....

i don't know, maybe it's because i'm taking a mental health day tomorrow and starting my weekend early.... maybe it's because when i said "it's done, i'm done, i'm over it" i really meant it... i don't know, but hot damn, does it feel good!!!

i love phish and feeling good for the first time in months!!!!

ahhh, sweet internet....

my home computer has had some major problems over the past few months... well, i just got it back, and it's better than ever!! i can actually enjoy my 3meg dsl now... i can surf, i can update my blog and it not take me 12 minutes between pages....

i can talk to my friends, i can visit my message board (www.truephans.com) and i can do work from home....

oh, how i missed you....

feeling a bit bad

ok, here's the thing... i'm feeling a bit bad about my post from yesterday. i have never publicly bashed him for what he did to me... those of you that happen to read my blog know this. i have been very general in my comments about the break up... trust me when i say, it's not that i haven't WANTED to publicly bash him, but i haven't, because i do care about him and what he thinks... i don't want to hurt him with words...

yesterday's post was the anger in my crying to be let out... again, trust me when i say, i would have liked to have screamed this, wanted to put it in ALL CAPS, BOLD, LARGE FONT but i didn't....

anyway, i apologize for posting my anger yesterday... those of you that know me and know the story of the break up, also know that yesterday's post was extremely justifiable...

again, i'm sorry ben...

what to say...

there is so much i want to say, but i can't... i want to yell and scream and holler... but i can't... i want to cuss and be irrational... but i can't...

i hate you so much right now... thing is, people are going to read this and think that i am not moving on, oh, but i am... i'm just PISSED and i haven't let it out.... so, here are a few lyrics that are helping me to express how fucking pissed off i am...

"You Oughta Know" - Alanis Morissette

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me (actually much younger)
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

real friends...

they say that there are three things that are the hardest for someone to say:

"i love you"
"i'm sorry"
"help me"

i have said the first two, and have truly meant it, but i rarely say the last one... asking for help is something that i just don't do... i figure i can get my way out... one way or another...

the thing is, when i do ask for help, it means that i have gotten to the point that i don't know what to do anymore, i have exhausted my resources... that is the time that i need support from my friends more than any other...

so, it amazes me when you discover who your real friends are... the ones that maybe you don't stay in touch with as often as you should or the ones you don't call as much as you would like... but the ones that are there for you when you say one of the three hardest things to say... "i need help"

it also is amazing when you call out to your friends and hear nothing but silence on the other end... it sends me spiraling into depression... this person is supposed to be my friend, why can't they listen to me when i actually call out for help?

so, for being there and being a true friend... i thank you...

"i am a golden god!"

so, i watched one of my favorite movies this weekend... Almost Famous... i love that movie... i think that the reason why i like it so much is because of the fact that i too, dig music.... all of it...i really think i need to work in the music industry, some how, some way... anyway, the title of this post is the start of one of my favorite scenes in the movie...

Russell, the lead guitarist for the band, gets in a tiff and decides to go explore Topeka, KS. As he and William (the Rolling Stone writer) are walking down the street, some local from Topeka says "hey russell, you want to come to a party?" Off they go. Russell proceeds to drink Jack right out of the bottle and someone hands him a beer with acid in it. Next thing you know he is standing on the roof of this kids house shouting "I am a golden god!" Here is an excerpt of the rest of the scene:

Russell: and you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were..... I'm on drugs!

William: Russell, I think we should work on those last words

Russell: OK... oh... I got it, I got it, I got it... I got it... I got it... this is better... last words... I dig music... I'm on drugs!

Rent the movie if you haven't seen it... rent it again if you have... it's excellent!!

sappy stuff via email

we have all seen this before, but it holds true....

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.

thoughts...

a friend of mine sent this to me today, and i really like it... touched me today, and i needed that...

I look not only at tongue and speech;
I look at the spirit and the inward feeling.
I look into the heart to see whether it be lowly...

Enough of phrases and conceits and metaphors!
I want burning, burning...

Light up a fire of love in thy soul,
Burn all thought and expression away!

Moses, they that know the conventions are of one sort;
They whose souls burn are of another.

hurt

I hurt today. More so than I have over the past few weeks. My body even hurts. And I am angry, so, so angry. The problem is I’m trying to be the way he is being to me, but I can’t. it’s just not in my nature. Wish it was. Wish I could just forget everything. Wish I could put the past 10 months behind me and move on… it was so easy for him, why isn’t it for me? Oh yeah, because I loved this man… I gave him the best of me for 10 months. Because of him, I felt things I have never felt, I loved better than I have ever loved…I truly did give him the best of my love (to quote the Eagles…) it’s not every day that I give my heart to someone… and it’s not everyday that I get my heart broken. I still can’t cry. I have even tried. It’s really hard to “try” to cry. Not everyday that you sit down and say “I’m going to cry about this today.” A good friend of mine said to me last night “when you decide to come out of your hole, we will find you the perfect man.” I thought I HAD found the perfect man… we were so compatible, we had so many weird idiosyncrasies that made the both of us go “whoa.” So many things that brought us together… and I guess, so many things that tore us apart… I’m not saying that we didn’t have issues, we did, what relationship doesn’t? I don’t know… i do know I want this pain to go away… forever…

when i'm having "one of those days"...

end of the world

enjoy...

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

I saw this movie last nite.... WOW... Johnny Depp was amazing, and not just because he is Johnny Depp, but because he is an amazing actor. I will admit, i am not a fan of the original Willy Wonka, so i caved when going to see this one. I'm glad i did. I could have done without the "dancing oompa loompa's" but other than that, it was a great movie! You could tell Tim Burton was involved, it had just enough weird creep to it! So, two thumbs up on this end... go see this movie!

to share with you all....

this is something that "he" discovered, but something "we" enjoyed together.... this has got to be one of the coolest online radio stations i have ever had the pleasure to enjoy (besides live phish radio, that is!)

it's a bit eclectic, and sometimes a bit out there, but thoroughly enjoyable... especially on a saturday afternoon when you are just chillin....

enjoy....

secret agent

why won't this pain go away....

I’m trying to be strong, I really am… so maybe I’m just slipping over the past few days… but I hurt… every part of me does… I hurt so bad that I can’t even cry…it’s funny how heartbreak can take over everything in your body, mind and soul….

I’m so scared to get hurt again… the problem with that is the only way you will know if you are going to get hurt again is to jump back in there and take a chance… but I don’t want to… I’m scared to death… I guess what I’m saying is that I want this pain to go away…

I also want to understand… why did this happen? What did I do? Did I do something wrong? Am I undesirable? Am I unattractive? What could I have done to make him love me the way I love him? I have learned a lot from the relationship, I have, but I guess I need to learn more…. I don’t want this to happen to me again, so I want to know what I need to do next time…. Was I too understanding? Was I too giving? Was I too loving? I don’t know…

What I do know is that I just want to stop hurting….

sometimes wish i lived in TV Land...

where everything is perfect and everything works out just the way you want it to.... but alas, i don't, so, gotta deal with what the Big Man upstairs hands you, right?

i am not a "church going" person... last time i went was my dad's funeral, last January. just because i don't go to church doesn't mean i don't believe, doesn't mean i don't worship in my own way. sometimes i think to myself "self, do you think if you went to church and did everything that you are SUPPOSED to do, would God fulfill your hopes and desires for you?" Of course i think that... BUT, i also think that God knows how each of us work, and that he knows that we will all worship in our own way. That's what makes us all unique. God didn't make a bunch of "cookie-cutter" women and men, He made us all different.

i do believe that everything happens for a reason. Call it fate, destiny, serendipity, whatever... i do believe that. I also believe that God only gives us what we can handle. I wouldn't be going through all of this pain if God didn't think i can handle it. i wouldn't be going thru all this turmoil at work and all of this financial bs if i couldn't do it. i know, some people are going to scoff at those statements, but that's how i feel. what's that saying? "if He brings you to it, He will bring you through it." call me goofy, but i do believe that...

so, what does all of this have to do with TV Land? on tv everything always works out. every bad thing that has ever happened to someone seems to have a happy ending. of course, all of this is solved in 30 minutes, less commercials. if it was only that easy.... i guess i am just looking for my happy ending too....

music

music... i love music... you can probably tell that from all the lyrics that i post...you really don't realize how much you love music until you have been away from it for a while... particularly the type of music that you LOVE. i have been listening to a lot of music lately that is outside of what i normally listen to, and i must say, i have totally enjoyed it, but when you "come home" to the music you love, your heart smiles and it just feels good!

music is always there for you. it's there when you are in a good mood or a bad mood. it's there when you are pissed off and angry, or when you are floating on cloud nine. it can help you through a situation you are facing... and i will say, there are times that the type of music you are listening to can be detrimental to the situation you are going through... but the majority of the time, music is always there for you and can be your friend!!

i'm sitting at work, on a sunday (we are closed) and i have my music playing and no one around to bother me, and it's lovely. plus, last night i was able to talk to one of my "music buddies" and it was so cool to have this conversation with someone that if anyone overheard it, they would think we are speaking greek!! here's a sample:

me - yeah, so, i threw in 11-13-97 the other day at work, man what a show
mb - really, what was the opener?
me - chalkdust
mb - sweet
me - yeah, it was tight, nice segues...
mb - how was the setlist
me - it was sick my soul was on there also, nice tight yem with a vocal jam
mb - nice!

so, i'm sitting here listening to Widespread Panic from 10/31/03 ... nice show.. some ramone's covers, nice special guest, plus it's dark and bluesy... kinda like me... i'm loving every stinking minute of it.... for those of you that know of panic, here is the set list....

10/31/03 (Fri) Madison Square Garden - New York City, NY

Set 1: Chilly Water > Imitation Leather Shoes > Chilly Water, Papa Johnny Road, Ribs And Whiskey > Hatfield, Doreatha, Give, Vicious > Pet Sematary > Beat On The Brat > I Wanna Be Sedated > Life During Wartime

Set 2: Action Man > North > Bust It Big > Henry Parsons Died > Monstrosity > Pigeons, Love Is The Drug* > Arleen * > Coconut* > The Time Warp *, E: City Of Dreams, Ain't Life
GrandComment:
* with the Dirty Dozen Brass Band