pfft....

so, been a while... going to try to write more, but i think i said that last time.

i'm going thru something and i really don't know who to talk to or what to do, so basically i'm just going to put it here and we can see what happens...

haven't felt 100% in a while, but particularly the past few days.... my new tummy hurts ALL THE TIME... i feel dizzy, light headed and i have a miserable headache.... i think i can come up with a reason for all of that, but what i can't come up with a reason for is this....

i am lonely.... i need SOMETHING/SOMEONE/SOMEBODY/SOMEWHERE in my life that removes me from "lucy - call center manager" and "lucy aka grandma." i work a lot and i'm fine with that, but then i get home and i just turn into this blob of nothingness that is mom and grandma

i have been thinking a lot about my friend matt lately - God i miss him... i can't believe that it will be 7 years in February that i lost him. i really loved him, i did... and now he is gone and the only thing i can do is tell him daily that i love him and remember all of the good times we had....

thinking about matt got me thinking about others in my past... which then got me thinking about how unfulfilled i am as a woman... not as a person, but as a woman. of course thinking about all of that then gets me all anxious about what it takes to be fulfilled as a woman, and that whole dating crap thing... yeah, not up for that... at all

i still have a long way to go to be "socially acceptable" again as an attractive woman. yeah yeah yeah, beauty is skin deep, they need to love you for you, all that crap,i know... but when you are a big girl all that stuff that we tell ourselves is just stuff... bottom line is that the first thing someone physically notices about you is your appearance, and if you are 300 pounds or 150 pounds that is what is noticed. chances are you will get noticed more at 150 vs. 300 as well... at least noticed for the right reasons, not the pointing and staring reasons

i have lost 40 pounds thus far and i'm stuck at that point... i will however get unstuck once i start going to the gym.... and yes, i know, should have been doing that all along.... what i have noticed about these 40 missing pounds is how much better i feel both emotionally and physically (i am contridicting myself right now, i know, but overall.) and i think that had it not been for these first 40 pounds, i wouldn't be realizing how unfulfilled i am as a woman.

i have 85 to go to be at my goal weight and 105 to hit my stretch goal. it's funny, when i started this process, i was 110 from my goal and 130 from my stretch, so now i only have 85 to go, so WOO HOO - YAY ME, I ROCK.... i will rock more with another 40 pounds gone... how often can you lose 40 pounds in 2 months? not often.... so, jan 12 will be 3 months, and i'm hoping to be at 50 pounds lost by then....

so, in some bassackwards kind of way, i guess my resolution for 2011 is to get out there.... it's been two and a half years since i have even had a date, so i know i'm not going to find the ying to my yang overnight, but i will never find it unless i do something about it... unless there is a way to have mr. right show up at my door on a silver platter... don't think that's gonna happen any time soon

later pholks