**copied from my myspace blog**
well, it's yet another sleepless night and i can't turn my brain off... it's funny when your mind just keeps running what it comes up with...
i started the year optimistic with high hopes for 2007... well, so much for that...
january started off with getting back together with greg and realizing that i wanted to be with him and that "love will conquer all." along comes february which brought the engagement and moving into "our house." things were looking up... until about 6 weeks after that... which was when i knew that i had made a mistake and that love wouldn't conquer all. things kept getting worse and worse between greg and i and i didn't see it stopping any time soon. i kept hanging in there thinking "it's going to get better... just as soon as this happens or that happens, it will get better."
well, this never happened and that never happened, and i kept sinking lower and lower into this realization that i was in yet another failed relationship. i felt i kept trying and trying to make it work, but it takes two to make it a success and two to make a relationship a failure. so, come mid-june, i called it off... broke the engagement and ended the relationship. but those of you that know me, know that it's just not that easy. just because the relationship is over, it still to this day, isn't over. after the break-up, it still took over a month for him to leave the house, and i am still sitting here with a lot of his stuff in the house, waiting for him to come get it. i guess i won't truly have closure until all of his stuff is out of here and what is left is mine. It's funny, my ex-husband gave me an "early Christmas gift" a few weeks ago, he gave me the old furniture that we had bought when we were married... it's nice to have something in the house that is mine, even if it was mine from a long time ago, it's mine again, and that puts a whole different spin on things.
my daughter and grandson have been with me now since the end of may, and that has been wonderful and challenging all at the same time. katie is going thru a time of change in her life as well, and it's funny, as she and i are SO much alike, that sometimes those personalities clash and it can get ugly, but i wouldn't trade it for the world. it appears that things are looking up for her, so hopefully 2008 will put her on the right track to changing some things in her life. then there is Marquis... who, is grandma's pride and joy!! i have gotten to see him start crawling, to now walking and changing everyday. this little boy brings me so much joy, and i look at him and realize that yes, it's been a shitty year, but here is this beautiful baby and my gorgeous girls, and i realize that is all that matters.
i turned 40 this year, and i tell ya, it's pretty much sucked since it happened. i had made this grand decision to start my 40th year off with a new outlook and it was time to make some changes. I was going to start doing something for myself, i was going to start working on this weight issue, and my self-esteem. I started my exercise routine on my birthday, and things were going pretty well... i totally enjoyed it, got 30 minutes to myself 3 days a week and was starting to feel pretty good... then BAM... my back goes to hell. i have been in and out of the hospital, er or doctor's office at minimum once a week since October 5. I am now 8 days post op from my surgery and praying that it took care of the issue.
work - well, work... the lady that has been married to her job since she got divorced 6 years ago realized in the past 2 months that no matter how dedicated, committed or passionate you are about your job, it can be taken away from you in a heartbeat. i have seen the writing on the wall since about july, and spoke frankly and frequently to my boss about how i needed more work to do, and how i wasn't currently challenged. what did all of that get me? demoted. yep... and if it wasn't for the group of people that i work with everyday, i would have probably had a meltdown by now, but i haven't. i'm not going to say that i haven't cried a lot of tears or that i haven't been pissed off because that would be a lie. now, at the same time that this demotion happens, i'm going through all of this drama with my back and the surgery and all that, so it's difficult, at best. there is something to be said about finding out who your real friends are, and discovering friends that you didn't know you had during times like this. again, if it wasn't for the people that i work with, in my new department, my team and my counterpart kathy, i don't think i could have made it.
it's funny, you get demoted and it's like you have the plague. people don't talk to you anymore, you are kind of on your own. hello, i got demoted, you can't catch it!!
i also have one of my oldest friends that is going through some major shit in his life as well, and i want to be there for him and help him through it and be supportive, but at the same time, i can't fix it for him, only he can do that. that's always been my problem, i want to fix it for everyone, and i can't. i can't fix what is wrong in my life, so i try to fix what is wrong in other people's lives. i can't fix this for him, but i can be there if he needs someone to talk to.
through all of what 2007 has brought, it has brought me closer to my family, which is something that i have been kind of standoffish about over the past few years. i hate seeing the disappointment on my mom's face when i make a bad decision, but this emotional roller coaster i have been on the past few months has brought me closer to my mom, which is a good thing. i see everything that mom has gone through in the past few months as well, and again, i can't fix it for her, but i can try to be there for her as well. her dog, sophie, had a heart attack earlier this week... if anything happens to sophie, it would kill my mom. sophie has been a source of joy for my mom since my dad passed away, and i would hate to see anything happen to sophie, as it would just devastate my mom.
so, to all my friends and family, thank you... i love you all. thank you for being my friend and dealing with all of my "lucyisms" and the way i am.
i'm ready for some changes, that can only be implemented by me and for me. i'm ready for closure and for the next chapter of this crazy book of life to begin. i'm ready to make the next 9 months of my 40th year better. i'm ready to be the optimist vs. the pessimist. i'm ready to find me, regardless of what that brings, and to make me a better person.
let's see what tomorrow brings.
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